G-Walk, bitch!

Looks like I forgot the scale...let's just say one of those numbers is about the size of a classroom building.

I had a lot of shit to do today. I have no bike and no car, so I had to walk everywhere today. Let me tell you something. Living in Williamsburg sucks for many reasons, and one that I might not have mentioned is the fact that it's hot and humid all the time. It started raining today while it was still sunny and hot as shit. What the fuck. Anyway, there's not much more for me to say here, and I'll give an explanation for each leg of the journey.

• Home (X) to Swem Library (2), 2.39 miles. I skipped 1 because that's how I roll, aka I forgot to take that measurement. I just added them together. I went to the Bursar's Office (1) to ask about my bill - got that question answered real quick. I went to Swem and got on the computer because I still had like 30 minutes before I needed to be around for the filming.
• Swem to Campus Center (3), 0.59 mile. Got to the Campus Center to film educational videos right at 1pm, was told that I would be a runner and that filming would begin in a dorm room.
• Campus Center to Jamestown Hall (4), 0.25 mile. Dorm. First group of scenes.
• Jamestown Hall to University Center (5), 0.5 mile. Tried to find a good place to film a running scene; that was the best one. Ran back and forth about 10 times. Fucked up lines twice. I had the sheet in front of me.
• University Center to Post Office (6), 0.67 mile. Picked up money orders and stamps to pay the bills. 50% of the people in there were eligible for the AARP. Went pretty fast though.
• Post Office to Williamsburg Public Library (7), 0.2 mile. Applied for community service.
• Williamsburg Public Library to Swem (8), 0.71 mile. Found a place to sit down and use the computer while I was filling out the money orders and envelopes and shit.
• Swem to Post Office (9), 0.97 mile. Dropping them off in the actual post office to make sure they get picked up today.
• USPS to Bloom (10) back home, 1.79 miles. Finally, at 4:34, I head home. But I need a fucking 40 for my efforts, so I stop at Bloom, and just carry it home from there. Then I walk inside and realize that I can still catch the repeat of SportsNation and I decide that it's a pretty good day after all.

Total distance traveled (estimate): 8.02 miles

Damn.

Living in Williamsburg, Virginia

The basketball "court" with the oval hoop. Oval = not right.

Living in an apartment by yourself is terrible. You might think "whatever you wanna do, you can do it, because nobody's gonna stop you or see you or whatever you may choose to do" but there aren't that many things that I really do that I wouldn't want people to see. Here is my average daily itinerary:

• Between 10:30am and 12:00pm: Wake up hungover. I turned 21 about a month ago and it's been a lot of drinking since then. I wake up with my laptop sitting near me and I don't know what I was doing on the computer before then. I've made some awful beats doing that. There's also some type of drink (sports, soda, or water) to keep me from getting hungover...never works.
• After waking up, I'll chill on the internet and act a fool for as long as I can before I run out of internet sites to look at (hip-hop blogs, sports news, porn, whatever else catches my eye).
• Don't eat anything for hours(the hangover diet is working well for me though - I can see my obliques for the first time in a long time).
• Contemplate going to the basketball court (shown above), then don't do it because it's between 89 and 103 degrees, with 95-100% humidity guaranteed and a chance of rain that NEVER, EVER comes.
• Awkwardly walk by the people that live upstairs. They seem OK, but probably aren't the people that would be willing to hang, watch Operation Repo or Daisy of Love, and drink on 40s, but to each their own.
• Hop on a bike I don't own and ride to Bloom.
• Buy more drinks.
• Look at my bank account dwindle, and by no means should I call my ex-boss to get my paycheck that I worked "hard" for (aka eat bologna sammiches at the computer)
• Make sure to catch at least one episode of Law & Order, Jerry Springer, and the Steve Wilkos Show.
• Eat terribly greasy food when I'm ready.
• Listen to Gucci Mane.
• Drink 4 Mountain Dews.
• Think about the 88.5 hours of community service that I have to do, as well as the $359 for restitution and $65 for probation costs that I have to pay.
• Try to keep from crying by reminding myself that I'm not in jail, and in May, I'll be a man without a criminal record and I'll be off probation.
• Look outside and see people with their friends enjoying the pool.
• Watch Family Guy and/or whatever Nationals game is on.
• Look in the mirror and shake my head at myself.
• Drink more.
• Drink even MORE.
• More Gucci Mane.
• Try to make a beat before you realize that your name doesn't rhyme with Beethoven or Dr. Fray.
• Realize that my life is a disaster and head to sleep, only to lay (or lie) there wondering when it'll all be over.

Shoutout to Hi Def

Our boy Hassan has a new blog that showed up just in time for the switchover to digital. Check out Hi Def Chillin at http://hdchill.blogspot.com/ and follow this douche on Twitter. It's bound to be good, but if it turns out like straight trash, I'll be sure to let you all know.

How I interpret this Iranian crisis

There's a whole lot of shit to understand. I have three options: either watch the news and watch my dick fall off from boredom, read Twitter and watch my eyes fall out from people's sheer ignorance and stupidity, or skim through Wikipedia and look at pictures, charts, bold words, titles of things, and numbers.

I did the third.

There's no reason for me to sit in my house and watch protests in a country that seems to have nothing going for it, ever. Especially when I can watch the Nationals win their fourth straight. (They might actually be good.) Anyway, here is what I am getting from the Wikipedia article:

• Politics couldn't be more boring. There's a reason why old, rich, white men dominate - it's because they have no desire to do anything interesting, so they chill in politics.
• The hundred polls that they have are terrible and obviously have no credibility.
• Their electoral process is garbage. When you have a category for 'spoiled votes' and they account for about 1 out of every 50 votes, there's a major problem.
• Why don't you get some non-corrupt people to watch over the vote tallying? Maybe because if you tell the truth, you'll get capped, because every motherfucker and their kids in that country got an AK.

That's all I learned.

So this Mousavi dude got done dirty and this Ahmadinejad dude is getting flossed for no reason. So what do you do as a country, Iran? Do you suck it up like America did when Al Gore allegedly got dicked out of the presidency? Do you try to make it work and let the president know that you as a nation are going to work to make your place a better place?

Or do you run into the dirt roads and ack a azz on what ends up being national TV?

They did the third.

My very easy to answer question is: Am I missing something extremely important, am I being extremely insensitive and ethnocentric, or do none of these people have jobs?

I'm guessing the first, second, AND third.

And they say TV turns your brain into mush...

Cuntiness in the front, dykey in the back.

Bitch, my brain is on overdrive when I got the TV running. Thoughts pop into my head from all directions, kind of like penises into Paris Hilton's vagina (which will be referenced later in this post), or maybe like pins into a pincushion, for you people who have normal/nonperverted/nonchildish/evolved minds. It's not like I get my A Tale of Two Cities on, it's just a thought, maybe a wisecrack of some sort, and before, I've let them make their short appearance and then pass. Not this time. There were too many gems.

This all took place while I was flipping between ESPN and MTV. The national soccer team was playing Honduras on ESPN, an episode of True Life was on MTV, and I was eating Chinese food (roast pork fried rice to be exact, which I will be getting again before I leave this place and head back to school).

In no particular order:

• MTV is awful in the worst way. I would rather rub Paris Hilton's vagina (see, I used it) in my eyeball than watch 85% of their programming.
• If Twitterotica (Twitter + literotica) doesn't exist, it should - so that I can have something else to not give a rat's swollen left nut about.
• 99% of True Life episodes are trash.
• Bitch, your boobs are too big because you're 55 pounds overweight, not because you were born unlucky. You dumb bitch.
• The Nationals won. I guess they're only 99,999 games under .500 now.
• You have to be FUCKING kidding me. This enormous monstrosity of a yeti just said her large boobs (and please, stop calling them that, especially when you're talking to your moms [and isn't that an awkward conversation]) were turning guys off. What about your bad hairdo, your fat face, your triple chin, your arm flab, your gunt, your flat but still large and cottage cheesy ass, your thighs that make tree trunks jealous, your cankles, your fat feet which I assume you have, your bad clothes, your bad attitude, and your impudence.
• Apparently there's no delay of game in soccer. Why don't you take a knife, pop the ball, piss in it, and then put it back down. That would actually be quicker.
• 99% of American soccer fans are 'fans' because liking soccer means they're 'cultured.' Go lick culture's nutsack if you love it so much. (Licking the underside of a nutsack, to me, is a better display of affection than anything you could ever do, ever.)
• "A Milli" sucks.
• Fenway Park is the most poorly built thing I have ever seen or even heard about. The Ford Pinto laughs at the construction of Fenway Park.
• If you don't hate the Red Sox, that's something we don't have in common.
• If you don't want to mass murder the Red Sox fans that have no ties to Boston, or even Massachusetts, or even the East Coast north of Ellicott City, Maryland, and never watched baseball before they won the World Series, leap in front of a bullet train.
• 99% of soccer players would probably bleed out and die an agonizingly painful death if somebody ACTUALLY FOULED THEM. YOU AREN'T HURT, GET THE FUCK UP, YOU PUSSY. YOU MAKE YOU ENTIRE COUNTRY LOOK LIKE MISERABLE CUNTS WHEN YOU CRY FROM BEING HURT, BUT NOT THE FOR REAL HURT. THE FOR FAKE HURT.
• MTV should have a reverse parental control, since that whole channel is not suitable for anybody under 21.
• When a bacterium multiplies, a soccer player falls down in the penalty box. A fly burping would be grounds for a penalty kick.
• The only person who hears as much inane SHIT as a soccer ref is Jon of Jon & Kate Plus 8. It should be Jon & Kate's Cunty Hairdo Plus 8. The hair doesn't look good, and I assume the rug matches the drapes.
• Listen to this for as long as you can. If you don't slit your wrists after 5.72 seconds, you're a better person than I am.
  

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace, you are the CUNT OF ALL CUNTS. I know girls don't like when people say that, but sometimes you earn your title. If you have no aim in life and you leech off people, you're a bum, and there's no reason to sugarcoat it. If you mess around with young children, you're a kid-toucher, a pedophile, a creep. So why can't I call a woman that has less use in the world than a half-brown Q-Tip a cunt? I could call her a cum dumpster, a bitch, a vagina with a mouth, a useless woman, a stay-at-home twat, or anything like that. I choose cunt, and if you don't like it, suck eggs.

Also, McGraw Milhaven is in my top 10 for favorite people I've never heard of.

LeBron vs. Kobe

This is gonna be a short one, because I'm not that happy about that ending to the game. He's really, really, ridiculously good at basketball, but the Magic did what the Pistons and Hawks couldn't do: Play like they had seen a basketball before for longer than a 3 minute stretch. The Cavs are human (which was obvious except for the LeBron the Decepticon, which I assume is a robot) and Orlando stole a game from the sacred Quicken Loans Arena (awful name). However, this isn't a sports blog, even though I will be comparing LeBron and Kobe like everybody else everywhere. This comparison will have almost nothing to do about basketball, so fasten your seatbelts, because it's the law.

1) Championship Rings - Kobe 3, LeBron, 0...Nothing to say here.

2) Kobe had 81 points in a game. LeBron hogs the ball as much as he can and still hasn't done that.

3) Kobe drafted lower than LeBron...that could go either way...

4) LeBron screams at his mother, probably every day. Newsflash, she brought you into this world, and she can take you right out. However, I laughed my ass off about that.

5) King James, meh. BLACK MAMBA. THIS KOBE GUY IS AFRICAN AND LONG...and venomous

6) Highschools in PA and OH. They both lose points here.

7) Kobe made music, LeBron made that Kid N Play commercial. Those lost points from #7 get made up here.

8) Kobe made game winning shots all day. LeBron made his first game-winning shot against the Golden State Warriors this year. That's my favorite team. SO FUCK YOU.

9) I consider LeBron to be like the really tall 11 year old with facial hair that was playing against the prepubescent Pokemon card collecting, snot-nosed brats that were 4-10 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter. You're just a basketball bully in that case. Kobe on the other hand, is a skilled individual that blends in well, except for his skill (read: skee-eel).

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPARISON...

10) White girls from Colorado railed out: Kobe 1 (or more!!!), LeBron (probably 0).

And therefore, Kobe Bryant is super fresh and his swag is so official.

Hit me on Twitter, look out for my album.

Oh, and if you have any other good comparisons going either way, post them in the comments section of this post or in that box to the right. -->