It's almost 2009, so let's go back to 2006

This was my old blog. If you have any questions, the answer is "Because I was an 18 year old nerdass." That's it. enjoy or not, comment or not, either way, I thought it was funny, in a really embarrassing and unfunny way.

http://wouldyoutapthat.blogspot.com (the name was pretty good)

You Probably Already Know, But...

...I LOVE DOMINO'S PIZZA. A lot. Plenty of posts on this blog speak on my love for their foods, with their subs holding a place in my heart (especially the Chicken Bacon Ranch). I've ordered Domino's a billion times because at school, that's the easiest, cheapest option for me. But I have never before done the Domino's Pizza Tracker.


If you've used this before, I assume you know how amazing this is. Now I don't have to sit in my room watching Steve Wilkos wondering whether they've even started making my food. I can now say, "Don't worry, self, it's on its way." What more can I say, other than if I finish this order and die in the process, I will die a very, very happy man.

Biggest Asshole of 2008

Let's skip the ghetto semantics and deal with a very important issue: "spreading the wealth." I'm not talking about what might be covered on CNN or inside some political[sic] asshole's dorm room. No, I am referring to the virtual slavery currently found at Cent Sports, internet's answer to pussies who like to bet, but are afraid of putting up their mortgage. The site has an option, in which registered members can invite friends to sign up. These registered members would then receive 5% of their friends' earnings, relegating these friends to the rank of crony. You get them to sign up, they give you something in return. That's fine.

However, Cent Sports also has an option, where independently-registered users can sign up to be another member's crony. Kind of like black people in the 1500s, before Booker T. Washington said "Let my homies go!" The site also has very unclear guidelines hidden in their FAQ's section. If you have not guessed it yet, I was a victim of carelessly agreeing to be somebody's crony. This somebody (in his arrogant state) even threatened to sneak into my home at night and stick his finger through my jammies' peehole; he would then proceed to give me a blowjob while I lay in deep slumber. After many ignored emails sent to both the Cent Sports team and this asshole (pictured above), I have decided to legally pursue my emancipation. In any case, the guy's an ass and certainly my pick for Biggest Asshole of 2008.

Runners Up: Girl(s) who charge 300rmb per hour. Outrageous!

New Bloggers

Plain and simple: The more people helping out on this blog, the better. We're gonna get this huge. So if you're trying to do it, comment here and say what you want to do with it. If I like it, you're in.

Having McNugget love will do this to you...*

Girl, you got a 10-piece, please don't be stingaayyy.

I'm not talking about having withdrawal symptoms from not eating McNuggets for seven or eight days. I'm talking about that symptom of McNugget Love that so far has made me think about fast food every day since the first time I saw the commercial. Thinking about McDonald's, and also other fast food will trigger random thoughts, and then I'll mentally compare a random thought to something about fast food. The latter happened to me today, or yesterday, whatever you wanna call it.

So, as you should know, I don't like people who swear they know why hip-hop is dead. There's a post really early on in this blog that clearly illustrates my feelings on the whole thing. No need to go into detail again. But I did hear somebody somewhere basically saying that hip-hop was dead and that nothing will ever take it back to the golden age. The golden age of hip-hop happened in the early to mid 90's (a terrible time for everything else - don't let anybody tell you otherwise) when hip-hop was all about lyricism and all about subjects that made you think while listening to music. It was based in New York, but people from other places were doing it too, although the influence from the headquarters (NY) was evident. Before then, it was mainly club music with simple beats and simple lyrics and it was all in New York. Now, it's mainly club music with simple beats and...simple...lyrics...oh damn. But it's all over the map, and the "mainly" is key, because there's still music that emulates music from the golden age, California, Texas, the Midwest, ATL, Miami, New York, even Arizona, Virginia, and DC are all kinda important. It's also worldwide, assholes.

That's not important, because that's not a part of what I'm trying to argue. I was basically trying to say that hip-hop has branched out - it's different, and there's different types. Almost different enough to not be able to be lumped into the same category.

Now, let's get to the main shit.

• McDonald's original menu, in 1955, had, if I'm not mistaken, nine things on it: the hamburger, the cheeseburger, the soft drink in 3 flavors, milk, coffee, pie, fries, a milkshake, and potato chips. This will be compared to the origin of hip-hop.
• I don't have a menu for any other times, because they're so fucking enormous decades later, but let's just say the time when supersized shit and 9 piece McNuggets with white and dark meat existed is the golden age of the golden arches.
• Now, the time when salads, yogurt, and water, along with a whole new menu (dollar menu), breakfasts galore, premium coffee, and a thousand new sandwiches and shit exist, along with the disappearance of the supersize stuff can be the state of hip-hop now.

This was all a lot simpler when it popped into my head.

So we'll make our comparison between the golden age and now, in terms of McDonald's. All the people who think that hip-hop is now dead should be the same people who think that McDonald's is dead. The commercialization in both is actually very similar. But what I think is the most important part is that you have to remember that you can still find what you liked before. Maybe you liked the Big Mac. Even though there's a Southern Chicken Sandwich and Chicken Selects now, they still have the Big Mac. Maybe you liked the milkshakes. They still have them, even though there's hella coffee and cookies and a couple dozen sodas now. So it's not dead, there's just been additions that you have to sift through. Or, you can be like me (in both situations) and follow what's new. I say, whatever you like, just do it. Just please, for the love of God and everybody in His clique, don't whine and scream and tell me I'm wrong or that you're right. If you want to, go do it in a soundproof booth. I'll be on the other side.

On a lighter note, is it a coincidence that between the golden age and now, the supersize disappeared, and the supersize rapper (Biggie) died? Probably not. I think they both had a great relationship.

To sum it all up: Things change, things branch out, but you can still almost always find whatever older things you liked. So things haven't died - it's more like tree trunks, where more shit just gets added on, but the roots (no pun intended) are still present. So shut your damn mouth unless my dick's all up in it.

*This entire blog post is very uninformed, so take everything with a lot of grains of salt.

UPDATE: Here's my new thing: Stay up really late on Saturday night so that you wake up and football is already on. It's like waking up from a nightmare and being waist-deep in ribs. Damn, I need some ribs.

Damn, I'm on a floppin' spree...

Realer than the Crackheads Gone Wild documentary.

Lamer than that one president with the Polio.

Sadder than the Detroit Lions' 2008 season (I did this picture).

From Hip Hop Galaxy (I had to do a lot of grammar-fixing in this article):

Who debuted #1 on Billboard’s Rap Albums Charts? Plies with his third solo album Da REAList selling a solid 114,600 units and featuring Ashanti and Sean Garrett...After a campaign telling everybody that he would sell a million albums in the first week, Soulja Boy only manages to enter the charts at #4 with his
second album iSouljaBoyTellEm moving only 45,500 units despite appearances from Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo.

Many things here make me happy. I'll name them and then tell you why they're great.

Plies debuted at #1 (for rap). Plies is my second favorite rapper, only behind Yo Gotti (the stand-in for Gucci Mane). Now 114,600 isn't as good as a million, like Lil Wayne got that week that Plies released Definition of Real. Still, he did better than the next best selling rap album that was a new entry.

Soulja Boy's CD moved 45,500 units. That's just over 40% of Plies' first week albums sold. Fine, that's ok. We're in a recession, and nobody buys any music anymore. However, that's UNDER 5% of his estimated totals of 1 million albums sold. Asshole. You got pretty close. Just think. If you said, "I'm gonna run a marathon today," and you have the success of Soulja Boy, you would go just over 1 mile. That SUCKS. Real bad.

Hey Soulja Boy, remember "Crank That"? Yeah, that was a real nice time. Don't worry though, you still did better than V.I.C., of "Get Silly" fame, because his CD, Beast released like 20,000. Ever. Awful. Fuck.

They also mentioned Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo, and I fuck with both of them.

Last thing I wanted to say was that Paper Trail and Theater of the Mind beat iSouljaBoyTellEm - this week. Paper Trail came out about three months ago and is still selling more than Soulja Boy's shit. Theater of the Mind came out about a month ago and I assume that "One More Drink" got big and made that CD sell more. Soulja Boy might want to fix that beef with T-Pain and stop putting Sammie on your singles. Sammie? Bitch, who the fuck are you. Punk bitch. Go die somewhere.

Two Thousand and Hate - songs and artists that pissed me off

This is my official list of musical things that made me want to take my car radio, bash my skull in with it, put my head through the car's window, use that hole to throw my radio out, crash my car from the loss of blood and the head trauma, fly to South America (still bleeding and concussed), not go to the hospital, instead go to the desert, not bring a drink or food, find a scorpion, stick a cactus barb in its asshole, throw that shit down my pants, lean wit it, rock wit it, and do a cannonball into a bed of live cacti. In other words, these things made me upset and want to not listen to them anymore.

These are things that I would hear approximately 1.94 billion times an hour, and for me, that was about 1.94 billion times too many. People who record the shit that is so bubblegummy that I got it all in my hair and I had to get my hair cut like a lesbian and wear a bonnet until it grew back nice. People who thought they were revolutionizing music...by doing something that had already been done. People who complained about things that most people like - even if they tell other people they don't. People who changed for the worse. Songs that I couldn't get away from. Songs that made 19 1/2 year old girls drunkenly jump on the beer pong table and dance for dollars, which would be fine, but then three of her friends (all three being fat) would jump on and start shrieking the lyrics and think they were the next American Idol. Then the combined weight of 784 pounds (that's 196 pounds per girl!) would collapse the table, beer would go everywhere, and these girls would then proceed to try to get dudes to throw the dick like Skee-Ball at Chuck-E-Cheese. Unfortunately, scoring 200 doesn't get you tickets here: it gets you a one-way ticket to Ughville when you wake up next to her in the morning, hungover as shit.

Anyway, here's the stuff. I spent at least 10 minutes putting these in order Pretty good number I chose (17). I'm a failure at life.

The seventeen things that made me want to put a dull pencil through my ribcage:

17) Young Jeezy, Put On - Like the song, HATE the video. Young Jeezy, you're not allowed to talk about how fucked up people's lives are when you record 100 songs about how much capital wealth you have. Wasn't his next video "Vacation," where he's on the beach, riding jetskis, and buying everybody shots of Grey Goose at the hot spot for the evening. Good for you man, I'm sure you can relate to the economic struggles of everybody. Maybe you could before you blew up, but you can't just sit around and make a video like this when you're bitching about the bartender not having enough Patron.

16) T.I., Live Your Life - I hate Rihanna. I also hate really popular YouTube videos (Chocolate Rain, the Laughing Baby, and this Numa Numa motherfucker). Mix them together and you have something that not even T.I. can make me like. The video was weird, too.

15) Three 6 Mafia, Lolli Lolli(Pop That Body) - My recent reunion with Three 6 Mafia and Project Pat made me think of how much better any song they ever made was than this trash. Song sucks, but it sucks more considering Three 6 Mafia did some bomb ass shit. Also, you're not Larry King when you talk about how Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body) and Lollipop (look for this song later) came out at pretty much the same time OMG!!! FUCK YOU.

14) Beyonce - I hate everything she does. She thinks she's a mix between Cleopatra, Madonna, and every powerful woman ever to live. All six of those powerful women did 100 times what Beyonce did. People love her songs, no doubt. I just think that all her songs sound really similar, so by me hating one song, I hate them all by default. Take care of that cellulite too.

13) Chris Brown - Girls love him, girls don't love me, therefore, I'm jealous. Also, his songs are all R&Bitch music. Whiny, I-love-the-girl-in-my-6th-period-biology-class, mom-come-pick-me-up-from-soccer-practice, I-need-you-to-sign-my-field-trip-permission-slip, pussy ass music.

12) Flo Rida, Low - EVERY GIRL EVER would dance to this song like she was the frontwoman of the Pussycat Dolls. Except they aren't. And if I had to hear 39 girls in one room scream "LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW!!!" OR "APPLE BOTTOM JEANS, BOOTS WITH THE FURRRR" (emphasis on furrrrr), or better yet, slide those phrases into ordinary conversation (mouth puke) one more time, I was going to shove a 32 oz bottle (full) Gatorade down my throat. T-Pain has the midas touch, but a gold diarrhea shit is still a diarrhea shit.

11) M.I.A., Paper Planes - You're not indie because you know the words to this song. As if being indie was even all that cool. The remix is the shit, people thinking they are too FUCKING COOL FOR THEIR FUCKING SUNDRESS, UGGS, AND BUGEYE SUNGLASSES is not. And take that fucking twist off the top of your overbleached hair - it makes you look like you're trying to cover up the stain from the impromptu game of mushy biscuit that dudes played with your dome.

10) Kanye West - Love Lockdown - Boom boom BOOM boom (repeat 3,000 times). Kanye West using Autotune isn't bad - in fact, it's great. It's just the fact that this whiny ass song exists that's bad. Also, I don't like Kanye West as a person at all. Not much to say - simple song, simple review.

9) Mariah Carey - You're crazy, then you had an emancipation of Mimi, which I think is your alterego, and somehow made a comeback. I don't understand what all the hullabaloo was about, but I don't like it. Get back in the kitchen. I didn't say that, it was my alterego.

8) Estelle, American Boy - Being British, or even having any accent that isn't American, is apparently all you need for at least one hit song. I didn't listen to the lyrics, but here's what I got out of that song: You wanna fuck an American dude. Well, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what we like to do here in the States. We like to take our cocks and shove them so far down British girls' throats that they lose their accents, and also their inhibitions. So I hope you get that American boy - just never be anywhere where I am or you better be down to get dicked long. Sorry.

7) Sara Bareilles, Love Song - You're not gonna write me a love song? Bitch, you better get me that order of chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Bitch, you just wrote something that sounds enough like a love song for me to want to change the radio station with a baseball bat. Bitch, you aren't famous anymore. Bitch, apparently people aren't writing love songs about your musical career. Bitch. Your name sounds like a box of bad pasta, I think, because your name sucks so much that I don't know how to pronounce it. Bitch.

6) Jordin Sparks, No Air - Nothing to say here. Singing about shit like this is dreadful, American Idol is dreadful, Chris Brown is dreadful (except for Kiss Kiss, but T-Pain made that song), and so how the hell is there any way for this to be anything other than vomit-inducing.

5) Lupe Fiasco, Superstar - You think you're cool. But a fucking skateboarder released a diss track on your ass and kilt you on it. You got murdered in that shit, you pussy. Kick, push, coast? No, more like Dick, puss, choch. That's for what you have buried halfway in your asshole, what you don't like, and what you smell like. (Notice how my anger has increased as I move towards #1.) You think you're doing something special, but being lyrical still happens. And it happened even more about 15 years ago. That would be like me saying that wearing flannel in Seattle was special. It's not, and neither are you. Your mother never loved you.

4) Lil Wayne, Lollipop - I LOVED the song the first time I heard it. Loved it maybe the next 20 times. Liked it the next 50 times. Hated it the next 348,000 times I heard it. Hated it when girls started to "sing" it everywhere they went. All the time. Seriously. Could this song have been played more (the question is not rhetorical)? Answer: FUCK NO. I heard it at least 4 times every day until October. And at no time were you hood when you were blaring this out of your Camry's speakers. Just remember that. If you were a guy with your hat backwards mouthing the words and bobbing your head, there might as well have been a throbbing penis for you to bob all up on. Lick on that like a lollipop, you fucking dick taster.

3) Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl - and you liked it? GREAT. Until I hear "I munched some box and I liked it...I munched some box cuz I'm dykin'," you get no love or money or listening time from me. You look like you could dunk on Shaq, but since you are a woman, you would be stuck towering over Lisa Leslie, missing lay-ups and making $17,000 a season before getting out of the arena and going to work the night shift at a mall kiosk. By kissing a girl, you are no better than any drunk slut out at the club, and by liking it, you're actually worse than those girls.

2) Rihanna - FUCK YOU. Girls love your music, some guys think you're hot, I believe neither. I could have a picnic - no, I could have a block party on your large forehead. Learn English and then come talk to me. Sing a song that makes sense and then come talk to me. Quit annoying me with your voice and then come talk to me. Just make sure I have my earplugs in and noise-canceling headphones on before you start speaking. Bitch. Pretty good concert in the Town Center too. Take forever to get there, sing two songs, and leave. Go take a watery shit on yourself and then sit in your favorite reclining chair.

1) Nas - You are the biggest asshole ever. You think that everything you do is great. You think you can do anything and people will worship you. You think you're the only one that knows how to make good hip-hop. Actually, I know what's up. You think you're a mix between Jesus Christ and Confucius. News flash, douchebag: you're not. You don't even have enough of an imagination to come up with a good album title. You don't have enough of a functioning brain to come up with ANY album title. How about this - Nas, "8 Inches of Meat In My Mouth." Yeah, you like that, don't you? Go die. Just die. However you want to die, just do it. Kill yourself, let me do it, whatever you like.

NOTE: I'm going to piss a lot of people off with this one.

Feel free to comment and add your own least favorite music-related things.

*Honorable mention goes to Fergie. You don't deserve to breathe my air.

Shit's tight duke

Whut it do, y'all? It yo boy Kabnis bringin shome hot ish. I'mma get real political wit y'all bout this book duke. it called Audacity of Hope and maang it some poweful ish ya heard? Now check it, it about believin in yoself and not lettin the government tell you what to do. If you want to smoke weed, than duke, smoke some mad weed! This book is dope though. It straight CNN no bull homie! It about hope and shit ish duke. But now I need some rest. Readin' hard work duke. I gives this shit a 5/5. No need to be runnin feelings. Put yo thinkin caps on!

I Want To Have Sex With...

...this man.

That's it.

Thanksgiving Day 2008

This was after a touchdown, so they should be happy. Whoops, now it's 60-7.

The original point of the blog was to talk about things that get too much credit when they deserve none, but that hasn't been enforced very well. Anyway, let's get back to things that suck. The Lions. They laid a very large egg, like one of those ostrich ones that makes an omelet the size of Bhutan. But it's more than that. I could talk shit about them all day, and I wouldn't be the only one. I also wouldn't be the first one. There's no reason to beat up on the Lions, because 12 teams have already done that. (The Redskins didn't really beat them up.) If it were like Mortal Kombat or one of those games, both teams would have been really close to the end of that health bar, but the Redskins got in one more pussy kick.

Anyway...the Titans-Lions game wasn't the only awful Thanksgiving Day game. Matta fact, none of them were good. Here's the scoreboard.

47-10 (37 point difference), 34-9 (25 point difference - this was the "close" game), 48-20 (28 point difference).

I don't even care who scored what and which game was which - the point is that there were three games, three chances to get a good game, and they failed miserably every time. FUCK THAT SHIT.

I don't want to whine, but I will anyway.

TEN 47, DET 10. I hated that game and Detroit should never have a game ever again. The Lions are almost undoubtedly the worst team in football and sports altogether - ever. Ever. There's not much more to say about that. They suck and it's gonna be a LONG, LONG time before they don't suck anymore. That game should have been moved to Sunday, November Nevereth. That game was over before it started, except instead of being over, there was still 3 hours of football left. That game was puke on TV. For the first time in recent memory, I changed the channel during Thanksgiving Day. Hopefully it doesn't happen again, because I felt kinda unmanly when I did that.

DAL 34, SEA 9. The nailbiter of a game. Dallas is good and it makes me kinda angry because I like the Redskins, who don't like winning games until they absolutely have to. I think that time starts about now. This game wasn't good, but not because the Seahawks were godawful. It was because Dallas played well, and that might be even worse than Seattle being Lionesque, which they weren't. Dallas is good, but as far as I'm concerned, they still suck, and Tony Romo is the worst quarterback ever to wear an NFL jersey. This guy makes Kyle Orlovsky look like Steve Young on PCP with only the good effects, like thinking you can fly and being able to kill five cops with a flick of the wrist. No more talking about Dallas - if you want more Dallas talk, go watch ESPN for about 3 minutes - they'll mention the Cowboys at least twice in that time. Two down, one to go. This next game should be great. One problem - it's not on TV, unless you have something better than standard cable.

PHI 48, ARZ 20. Has to watch this online, because we don't have that channel (NFL Network). Whatever, it's not a problem, at least I can see clips of a game that won't get as ugly as the first two.

21-0.

That's when I said it wasn't even worth watching the commentary. I turned off the stream of the game and watched VH1 for the rest of the night. The highpoint of the game was some douche sideline reporter dancing while he didn't know he was on camera. That made me chuckle. Then I saw the score and I stopped chuckling real fast and started sobbing a little bit, because that was the end of Thanksgiving Day 2008 in the NFL, and it was straight trash homie.

All in all, today (Sunday, or maybe early Monday morning right now) almost made up for everything, because there were teams capable of putting up fights against the teams they played.

------

Currently listening to: DJ Saint 22 & Gucci Mane - Trap Dedication

Currently watching: One of the Star Wars movies. Actually, I just stopped watching. Just now.

Twilight Review

Has anyone ever had irritable bowl syndrome? It's where you have drips of poop come from your butt, but you can't control it. My pediatrician said it's because I don't wash my hands before eating. In any case, I had a rather severe case during this movie and the girl next to me didn't like it.

Right after lab, I went with this girl to see Twilight. I enjoy going to the movies instead of taking women out to dinner because then I don't have to talk to them. Twilight is about a vampire and a nerdy girl. I think they have sex and she becomes a vampire. Either that or pregnant like in the real world. Or maybe they didn't even have sex-that's apparently the trend with teenagers these days. I was not really sure what was going on because ten minutes into the movie, I noticed some dripping from my anus. The air around me started to stink as well. Uh oh, my irritable bowl syndrome had struck again. I took out a couple of tissues and stuck them in my pants, hoping to wipe off all the digested residue. Unfortunately the girl I was with saw me even though I thought she had her eyes glued to the screen. I got so stressed, I farted hard and pooped in the entire seat. The date was pretty much over at that point.

Score: 2/5

T-Pain's "Thr33 Ringz"

***Let me make sure that you know that the post with the picture of the Asian woman is the first post by my partner in crime. Make sure you look at the poster of the article because there are now two people posting to It's All Hype.

T-Pain - "Thr33 Ringz"
Review by The Neighborhood Bully

T-Pain, the man you've probably heard in everybody else's song, from Flo Rida’s “Low” to Lil Wayne’s “Got Money,” released his third album, aptly entitled "Thr33 Ringz." If you’re one to judge a book (or an album in this case) by its cover, you would probably deem this CD one of the best of this century, as the album artwork is utterly mind-blowing. After you pick your jaw up off the ground and actually listen to the CD, you realize that it’s the T-Pain we’ve come to love (or hate) – the man who wears top hats instead of baseball caps – but he’s taken everything to a whole new level. What were formerly two-line throwaway punch lines are now full-length songs. “Chopped N Skrewed” deals with getting treated poorly by a woman at the club. “Phantom,” a track included in the deluxe edition, is nothing more than him stalking his ex-girlfriend and speaking about it for three and a half minutes. “Karaoke,” on the other hand, is a song with a very powerful message. This song is T-Pain’s diss track to all the artists criticizing him for his use of Autotune, as well as the artists abusing Autotune themselves. In this song, he raps instead of singing to show the rappers what it’s like to be copied. “Thr33 Ringz,” for its “creative” content and the way in which it is presented, is as bizarre as the circus that seems to be going on in his mind. One of the lines in “Ringleader Man” works perfectly to explain why this album seems so abnormal: “You can’t understand the s--- that comes out of my head.”

Rating: 4/5

UPDATE: Got into that school newspaper.

Service from my Stylist

Durrrr dear reader,

I needed a haircut. So I went down to this Chinese place; the business wasn't really a barbershop, but more of a salon. Regardless, the price for a man's haircut was cheap. It was a Tuesday. The girl who offered to cut my hair was aight. She was skinny and had nice boobs. She looked something like the breezy in this image to the left. BOOM. Anyway, she started trimming the sides and I asked if she would blow me. She said sure, but no kissing on the mouth. In the end, I made out with her and got up in her. Things like this should happen more often.

PS who would get more pussy? Ellen playing rugby or Keith Olbermann outside of an abortion clinic?

I think I messed up. No wonder my aunt touches me inappropriately. I deserve it.

The Lab

This is a recreation of Billy Beats and Sammy Samples at work in the lab, making hit records and shit like that.*

*Keep in mind that this is actually not that far from the truth.

Dude, What The Fuck?

Why don't you just throw your money away?

A 40 now costs MORE than a gallon of gas. I don't know why that is making me go crazy, but it is, and I thought that that needed to be brought to everybody's attention.

40 oz of Steel Reserve - $1.98 after tax
1 gallon of regular unleaded gas - $1.799

Maybe I should start drinking some gasoline out of one of those gallon containers. That would be what's hot in the street.

Steve Wilkos

OK, we get it, this guy's a scumbag. It doesn't take a skinhead, Howie Mandel mixed with used condom-lookin motherfucker to tell me that.

About 6 months ago, and maybe until about 4 weeks ago, I would have taken a bullet for this man. His show, the Steve Wilkos Show was probably my #1 seed when it came to TV shows, to the point where I would have taken a fuckin' bullet for him just to keep the show on the air. He would scream at motherfuckers left and right, threaten them (kinda), and throw chairs and shit. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

Well, that was then, and this is later than then.

The show's in its second season, and nothing has changed. Except Steve got a really, really, dark tan. When I saw that tan, I said, "Shit."

That was a little while ago, and this is now.

Now it bores me. Bored so much that I have to leave now.

Go cop Thr33 Ringz, and look out for the CD review that I'ma put in that school newspaper.

Tha Terror-arium

Tha Terror-arium is a hip hop production duo from Orlando, Florida, consisting of Sammy Samples (born Samuel PullOva Samples) and the late Billy Beats (born Wilhelm Wheredagold Beats). They came together to form the team in 2000, but they have known each other since they were in kindergarten. They are best known for producing the hit single "Hustlin'", by rapper Rick Ross. They have also produced songs for artists like Fat Joe, Juelz Santana, Jim Jones and Lil Wayne. They are currently working on songs for Danity Kane, Day26, Teairra Mari, Jadakiss, T.I., Young Jeezy, Trey Songz, Christina Milian, Ciara, and Mariah Carey.[1].

Pictures of Billy and Sammy at work are soon to come.

The Economy

Safer than putting your money in the bank.

THIS IS ALL COMING FROM A GUY WHO KNOWS NOTHING

---------------

All I have to say is it's all bullshit. Nothing's gonna happen. Sure, you might think you're fucked when you start falling down the roller coaster, but there's always another climb. Plus, people continue to forget that this is the United States of America.

Remember when we won pretty much every war we ever fought in, and then when we didn't win, we just refought them until they gave up? Yeah.

Remember the Great Depression? We got out of it (eventually).

Remember when gas was like $4.39.9? Yeah, apparently it's about $1.50 less than that, when these same douches kept saying gas could get to $8 a gallon and it would never get below $4 again. Whoops.

OK, that's me dumping out my "facts." Here's my main question: How can the global economy be fucked? It's not like we're dumping money into the Earth's orbit or launching it onto Mars. So then if we were to lose money, wouldn't everybody have more money that came from us?

I'm calling BULLSHIT on it all. BULL SHIT!!!!!

I have shit to do, maybe I'll say more later.

Paying Attention During Class

She's got the right idea.

Here I am, 15 minutes before the end of class, doing nothing but blogging. I ran out of shit to do on the internet, and there's no way in hell I'm gonna pay attention in this class. I tried that, and I almost fell out of my chair. (I did get some notes, but they looked a lot like volcanoes and pictures of aliens with beards.) Drawing picutres in your notebook gets really old really fast though, especially when you're as bad at drawing as I am. So you bring your computer, and you say, "This'll give me something to do for the next hour and twenty minutes. This'll keep me awake." Shit like that sounds like it makes sense, but only to a point. There's only so many exclusive hip hop song blogs you can look at, so many bitches to ogle, so many YouTube videos to watch on silent, so many stories on espn.com about how great the Cowboys are (FUCK THEM), and it goes on. Those will take you to about the 45 minute mark. In a 50 minute class, that's perfect. NOT in an 80 minute class. You still have 35 minutes to kill. So what the FUCK do you do?

Maybe you start playing online games. That addictinggames.com shit. But I really don't have the patience, and I have a feeling that your teacher will know you're playing one of those racing games when you're pounding the R key and holding down the right arrow key to hit that perfect slide. That's not for me. I tried it, but Blitz 2001 is really a pretty big investment when it comes to paying atttention.

Maybe you check your e-mail. But unless you're the CEO of General Mills, you're not gonna have anything important in your inbox. There's a club meeting today, I knew that already. "Son, when's your next break." You can reply to that in 5 seconds. "Friday, Dad." And I'd love to add, "And oh yeah, I'm writing this to you during class, because I'd rather not pay attention to my teacher."

I'm so tired of this blog right here that I can't even blog about how to waste time - to waste time. I'm done with it. 5 minutes left in class - time to catch some Z's.

An Interim Favorite Rapper Is Crowned

The votes are in. And the winner of "Who Wants to be Chris' favorite rapper until Gucci Mane gets out?" is...

Yo Gotti.

"Cocaine Muzik" is the mixtape of the century.

Here's the thing - when I was looking for a favorite artist, I wanted somebody who was like Gucci Mane, but not copying him. Nobody likes some punk ass prick who's jockin' yo' swag. Just ask Rocko. Or T.I., or Jay-Z, or Kanye West, or to a lesser extent, Lil Wayne. Gucci Mane has no swagger, so that shouldn't be a problem. Bla, bla, bla. Basically, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should use as criteria.

I settled on three main ones: enjoyability, amount of music I have by them, and similarity to Gucci Mane.

I toyed with Plies, Lil' Wayne, T-Pain, Yung Joc, Shawty L-O, and a few other useless people, but nobody is as similar to Gucci Mane as Yo Gotti, IMHO.

Plies is extremely funny, and he's so real, but he's my #2 favorite. I want to start listening to somebody who I barely payed attention to. T-Pain is a great guy, but more than half his shit is R&B. Lil' Wayne almost has too much shit, and I mean, he's everybody else's favorite rapper, and I don't usually like to like something just because everybody else likes it. (See Superbad and movies like that, Will Ferrell and other douches like that, the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Cowboys, watching movies, Lost and shows like that, etc.) That's just me. So I like him, but I won't cream myself over him. Yung Joc doesn't make enough music - or maybe he does, but I don't see it. I wanna be able to listen to a CD a week and be able to hear new shit for 3 months before I run out. Shawty Lo. Even I, who loves him when apparently nobody else does, can get tired of him kinda quick.

So we move on to Yo Gotti. I like him a lot. Mostly because it seems like he's best friends with Gucci Mane. Two birds, one stone. So it's only how much music I have of him. The best thing is that since Yo Gotti & Gucci Mane are good friends, I can listen to Gucci Mane and Yo Gotti all the time because they're featured on each other's shit all the time. I got a lot of Gucci, I got a lot of Gotti. I got more mixtapes of him, and there's more of them out there that I can go pick up or something.

And there you have it. Yo Gotti is my man until October 2009, or when Gucci gets off on parole or something.

It's been a while...

Gucci Mane going to jail for a year. FUCK. Anyway, here's Glenn Beck with a description of how it all went down (I think).

"The nigga forgot to do some community service . He only did 25 out of 600 hours or community serivce and violated his probation by smokin weed drankin and poppin pills or sellin weed and pills and boostin alcohol. shit i dont know all i know is he supposed to do a year"

Damn, it's been a while since I threw anything down on this blog. It's mostly because I don't really have much to hate anymore. My situation here at school is pretty good.

STOP THE PRESSES!

I just remembered something that really made absolutely no sense to me.

People who swear intramural sports are their ticket to the big leagues. They play like it's the World Cup semifinals, and their country will behead them all if they don't come back with that ugly ass trophy. Meanwhile, other FUN people show up to games drunk as fuck and laugh their way through the games. That's that shit.

Anyway, I'll write about this later - I have to go brush my teeth, find clean clothes, eat a can of tuna, and cry all the way to class. (It's like this every morning.)


Watching: Nothing, but I would watch Good Times if the TV were on.

Listening to: Either "We Global" by DJ Khaled or "Southern Smoke 30" by DJ Smallz, your down south supplier.

This Isn't Super Bowl XLIV...

...so why the fuck did you just clothesline a girl?
1) It's not professional football, 2) it's flag football, 3) it's co-rec (AKA guys and dolls).
Douche.

Uncalled for. Well, since they don't play in raggedy ass mesh jerseys, and instead play for their NATIONAL TEAMS, I guess it's OK.

People like this deserve a swift kick in the nuts.

Sure, you can go back to your hall and say, "FUCK YEAH! WE REALLY BEAT THEIR ASSES!" But what did you accomplish? Tell me. I'll try to throw out some suggestions of what you might think you're doing for yourself. Then I'll show you why you're gay.

1. You love to win and hate to lose. You won. Now you have every reason to chest bump, right? WRONG. You have nothing to prove here. So you're better than a bunch of kids who have their textbooks waiting for them as soon as the game's over. So what. Would you high-five your friends if you tag team wrestled Gary Coleman and a kindergartener and won? I hope not, and if so, you belong on the floor of an Indian train (that's not a sex act, I think).

2. You guys know you're the best. I know I'm the best at having stinky socks, but I'm not proud of that, because what do you get from being the best at something as unimportant as intramural sports? If you were THE BEST, your name would be DJ Khaled. If you were the best at what you did, you would be on the varsity team, or the club team at least. Go drink douche juice out of a silly straw.

3. I'm just a competitive dude/chick. OK. Then just play as hard as possible without sprinting out the door when the ref doesn't call some ticky-tack foul (this actually happened). Competitive means you play as hard as possible all the time. You're just a whining pussy when you argue over calls. Competitive is something that depends on you. Whining is when you try to get other people to do what you want, and I just can't respect that. Indirectly, that's why I hate watching soccer - they're trying to get calls from the ref. Why don't you just run faster than that guy instead of tripping for no reason. EAT ME. (You'd be surprised at how angry I get when I type shit sometimes and I just start hitting the keys like a woman who ain't puttin' out tonight.)

All in all, don't pop champagne when you win a game during the season, especially since every single team makes the playoffs. You may pop it if there's at least one bottle per person and you're all gonna do Andre-bongs. That's fine. Just don't look for a cameraman and newsanchor following you asking how it feels to finally get over that hump.

Having Power

I finally tried one of the Domino's sandwiches (the Chicken Bacon Ranch) and it was amazing. Even though it was a glorified pizza between two pieces of crust, it was still that shit and it spit hot fire. It was also essentially free, and so to that, I have nothing else to say but, "Ain't nothin' wrong with that."

Anyway, there's a hurricane coming. Hurricane Hanna. Or maybe it's a tropical storm. I don't give a shit. All I'm waiting for is for the storm to come so it can rain all over my already fucked-up bike and just break it for good. Even more than that, I can't wait for the storm to come so me and my roommates can hang out in no power. That would be some bomb ass shit. I personally think there's nothing more fun than trying to find out what you can do to have any kind of fun without power. Well, there's a few things, but I would be reunited with Chris Hansen if I did some of those things.

I'm gonna play weatherman here, mostly because I have nothing else to do, and also because my dream is to be a weatherman in Arizona. Easiest job in the country. "For the next seventy days, it'll be nearing 105 degrees and completely sunny." Then you can just chill and pound a 12 pack of Keystone Light, make hella mistakes, and then pass out face-first on the set of K-whatever, airing out of Phoenix. So, here goes nothin'.

Here's what people on the Weather Channel and shit like that are saying:
"This cyclone could become a hurricane before landfall, and it will be moving quite quickly through much of the Mid-Atlantic and further up the East Coast. Power outages are likely from motherfuckin North Carolina to the coast of Virginia."

I'm calling bullshit on a lot of that right now.

95% of the time, a woman hurricane ain't gon do shit, because, hello, it's a woman. You might say, "Katrina, Isabel, remember those?" and I'll say, "Shut up, Katrina just sounds like a girl who fights dudes for fun, and Isabel was no Andrew or Floyd." How bout that. Anyway, yeah, Hanna sounds like a gurl who does her nails every night and goes to the club to find guys, but not to run train on her. NOT EVEN EIFFEL TOWER. No, no, she wants the compliments and that's it. Anyway, yeah, Hanna ain't gon do shit until it changes its name to Hans (pronounced with as deep an accent as possible).

It's moving fast, man. You usually need one of two things to knock out the power: Either one or two really good gusts or some prolonged wind. I don't see the second one happening, and the first one is iffy because it's gonna go by real fast.

Finally, if it makes landfall in SC, it'll weaken. It's already weak. In the few hours after it makes landfall, it'll be a garbage depression or something and who will care, other than the Weather Channel, because they live for hurricane season, snow, and heat waves. If none of that is happening they have NOTHING to go on, and they'll probably report on a thunderstorm about 12 miles SSW of Tupelo. And I'm sure more than about 29 people care. Pssssh.

Peace out.

Currently watching: Some movie with Robert Drugfiend, Jr. that everybody else seems to love, and hey, it ain't that bad, but I'm in bloggerzone right now.
Currently listening to: Yo Gotti, "Back 2 Da Basics." This CD is hotter than Plies in a brick oven in July.

My Life Could End Now...

...and I'd be OK with that. Well, it can end when I try these sandwiches. I don't know what else to say about them. I found out about them on one of my favorite blogs, TheFukerton.com, which is run by one of the hosts of my favorite radio show, the Big O and Dukes Show on WJFK 106.7FM. Why not give credit where credit is due? Anyway, here's the descriptions of the 4 $4.99 subs:

Philly Cheese Steak: steak, American and provolone cheeses, with fresh onions, green peppers and mushrooms.

Italian: slices of pepperoni, Genoa salami, ham, provolone cheese, banana peppers, fresh green peppers and onions.

Chicken Parm: seasoned all-white meat chicken breast, tomato basil marinara, parmesan-asiago and provolone cheeses.

Chicken Bacon Ranch: seasoned all-white meat chicken breast, bacon, creamy ranch dressing and provolone cheese.

I'll tell you what ingredient I wanna add to one of those Chicken Baoon Ranch sandwiches. Actually, I won't...I think you know.

The Olympics

-- Eat shit, Michael Phelps. --

I'm back in school and this year is going to be bigger and blacker like Chris Rock's comedy extraordinaire, "Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker." Just moved in (a day earlier than most upperclassmen) and everything went well.

Things I left at home:

-Alarm clock (SHIT)

-Fan

-Silverware

-That spray that makes stank go away

...and I realized that there's a cable jack in my room so I could have brought my TV and watched that instead of being stuck listening to Gucci Mane and blogging. I'll have to find other people that are in town now.

Anyway, if you saw the picture at the top of the screen, you'll recognize that face. No, it's not Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame. No, it's not ET. Hahaha, you silly goose, that's not somebody doing a Fire Marshal Bill impression. That's the douche piece of shit assbag tool shitcake Michael Phelps who takes it in the ass when he's not wearing his Speedos. Some of you may call him an American hero. I like to save that title for people who aren't swimming laps when kids are being molested or pregnant women are in burning buildings.

Let's take a poll of 100 people. We'll ask a few questions about the Olympics and see how people feel.

1) Do you care about the Olympics?

-Yes: 53

-No: 46

-Like I care about Amy Winehouse's dental bills: 1 (that's my vote)

2) Did you watch the Olympics for the hot athletes?

-Yes: 39

-No: 60

-Of course, because I've never heard of PORN BEFORE! FUCK!: 1

3) Is Michael Phelps an American hero?

-Yes: 18

-No: 81

-Michael Phelps? Oh, he was one of the guys that steered that plane into that field on September 11th. Wait, he wasn't? Oh: 1

4) Did you care about swimming between the 2004 Olympics and now?

-Yes: 9

-No: 90

-Why do they have swimming on TV?: 1

5) How long do you think Michael Phelps will be in the news?

-Less than 2 weeks: 37

-2 weeks - 1 month: 29

-More than a month: 27

-Hopefully for another 15 minutes or less: 7 (hey look, more people agree with me here)

6) Will you watch more swimming after the Olympics because of this?

-Yes: 22

-No: 0

-FUCK NO: 78

Now for my color commentary on these questions.

1) Hey, I know the Olympics were a huge deal way back when we were fighting with people left and right. But now we're really not angry at many countries that matter in the Olympics, so there's not really that. So then why try super hard to beat other countries. There aren't really any rivalries. And for the people that let us know that China was trying to get those medals and win the Olympics, fine, let them. Let them think they "won" the Olympics (how the fuck do you win?). Also, I think we got them beat in a few other categories. There aren't people living on top of people. We can walk without having to push the thick black air out of the way. We don't have a billion people in here. We treat (most of) our citizens right. Point is, the Cold War is over.

2) I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat. That's for the gymnastics watchers. You know they're all 8th graders. All of them. Volleyball, fine, whatever. Any other sport, you know she has a huge clit from the HGH and the cream and the clear. Horny now?

3)From wikipedia.org: The hero is traditionally at least two Italian meats and provolone cheese on a small or half loaf of crusty Italian bread with roasted peppers, vinegar, olive oil, and lettuce. It is a pork-based sandwich; popular meat choices include ham, prosciutto, pepperoni, capicola, mortadella and salami. Looks like Michael Phelps isn't really a hero.

4) Those 9 people who voted yes were his teammates. That's the only explanation.

5) He'll be famous until another 1398 non-white kids go missing, a whole bunch of white boys get abducted, and one white girl gets drunk and fucks the wrong guy in Aruba and gets press for a decade.

6) The poll's credibility has to be questioned because apparently there's 22 liars.

So have fun watching the Olympics. All I know is I'm watching the closing ceremony, because then I'll know it's over. I'll have closure.

---------------

"I'm the first third grader wit a felony"

-Gucci Mane, "Two Thangs"

A Nice Cellphone

http://www.zshare.net/audio/3797395a99fb6a/
(As much as I hate Soulja Boy now, I still love this song like my firstborn. Hopefully I never have a child.)

That song is about his extremely expensive phone. His Sidekick, a phone that does little more than a high-end cellphone that I could pull out of Verizon's ass for like $100.

You have a screen that's as big as a business card. GREAT!!! I'm sure the Super Bowl would look great on that. I'm sure texting on that is a bigger event than the Last Supper, you piece of shit.

Your phone has a keyboard. OOOOOOO!!! What's a keyboard? Damn, I wish there were keyboards somewhere else. WAIT!! They're on COMPUTERS!!! Can you not wait half an hour to get to a computer? No? Oh. OK then, at least I know to NEVER think of you as somebody normal again. EVER.

Internet access? Damn. perezhilton.com must be bombass on a screen the size of my now empty debit card, if not smaller.

YOU CAN FLIP THE SCREEN UP!!! Holy shit! At least the United States isn't falling apart at the seams. People are losing their homes left and right and you have a phone you can flip up. Your phone just becomes BIGGER. Your phone takes up a lot of space. You are a waste of space and so is your phone. Come to think of it, you and your phone are great together.

Die.

iPhone users:

Your phone looks like an iPod. And it really sucks as a phone.

Your phone has 39,874 applications. Facebook has about that many applications, and just look at how many FUCKING people think that those things are the work of Lucifer.

LOOK AT MY iPHONE!!! You have a shirt that says "iHave an iPhone 3G", your shit is out 24/8, you talk about it more often than that, and yet you still wear tighty-whiteys and don't know what the walls of a uterus feel like. Still think you're the man?

---

Look, this post wasn't aimed at the people who have their phones and enjoy them TO THEMSELVES. It's for the people that think they have Fort Knox's contents in their hairy palm (you know why it's hairy). You text, you talk, and you go on the internet. Any phone made after the Vietnam War can do that. Your phone looks like a toaster, mine looks like a small stick of deodorant. Yours was $500, mine was $14.99. People start conversati0ns with you about your cool phone and then leave when they realize you're a pompous maniac.

And you think you're the shit.

A Pre-Prepared Meal

If you're wondering what happened, I was involved in a minor crash that turned major when I realized that the part I fucked up was worth almost as much as the car. That meant that that car was T-O-T-A-L-E-D...totaled. No big story, it was my fault, I wasn't aware of my surroundings, I ran a stop sign that I thought wasn't there, and BANG!!! $600 (towing fees) gone. New car fees (otherwise known as the cost) to be determined. Thankfully, my parents see what I'm going through, they realize that I've been working hard, and they plan on helping me get a new one. They know that I'm not gonna fuck up for a long time, probably not again for as long as I'm supported by them. That's the story. And so as I move away from the fast food and toward the frozen foods aisle (Budget Gourmet is CLUTCH) thanks to my new money situation, I bring a new piece of hype that I never expected to report on.

Pre-prepared food - it's ALL HYPE.

In these last 10 days, I've learned that cooking yourself costs a lot less than buying anything else, which is what I need to survive these last few weeks before school. A pound of ground beef is about $3. 4 burgers are probably around $4-6. Fuck that, I'll cook myself. (The buns are like $1 at most) TV dinners can be really cheap too. Canned food can be cheap. Store brands are extremely cheap (you try finding 3 liters of soda (about 9 cans, over 5 20-ounces) for $1.)

I digress - well not really, but it gets repetitive.

Sure, there are times when you don't have the time to make a meal.. Also, it's pretty damn hard to make a Spicy Chicken Soft Taco unless you carry an army of spices and vegetables. Fast food is clutch when this happens. If you're 5 minutes from your house, though, or you're just at home, or you gotta be somewhere in an hour, cook something your damn self, why don'tcha? It's not that hard. And I'll tell you, going through the drive-thru is nice for that few minutes, and waiting in that line is nice because you smell all that food, but when you finish cooking a meal and you look at what you've done, I think that's a great feeling.

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Dexter From Reston

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13118101683&ref=ts (link from old Facebook)
http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13118101683&ref=ts (link from new Facebook)

Facebook user post coming up.

Anyway, this dude Dexter is the man. Here's how everything led to me needing to make a post.

I joined a Facebook group that I was invited to a bunch of months ago because it wasn't entitled "Please Stop ____" or "I Support _____" and it wasn't an event for "Free Slurpee Day," "Election Day 2008," or my favorites (or least favorites), "13 Days until Christmas," "12 Days until Christmas," "11 Days until Christmas," "10 Days until Christmas," "9 Days until Christmas," "8 Days until Christmas," "7 Days until Christmas," "6 Days until Christmas," "5 Days until Christmas," "4 Days until Christmas," "3 Days until Christmas," "2 Days until Christmas," "1 Day until Christmas," and "Merry Christmas." Whatever. The Ignore button and the Not Attending button are my good friends.

I digress.

I got invited to the group and it didn't make me extremely angry so I joined. I looked around and it was goofy so I left it. I forgot about it. Then one day at work (CVS), a man walks in. A man of larger carriage. A man with a 5:00 of next Tuesday shadow. A man who was talking the second he got in. A man who freestyled to me wile asking for the bug spray. A man named Dexter. I remember his first words. Well, the first silly words. "I want a sugar mama with no drama." I died laughing, so did my coworker, shit was funny, probably just a one time thing. WRONG. I was less wrong when I said that that bump in my danger zone was just an ingrown hair. Tell that to the lady in the free clinic who puked when she saw it. I was WRONG. I saw him again, and again, and again, and sometimes multiple times in the same day. Keep in mind I work from 4pm-10pm most days. So he's around a lot.

I go to work today, and it's about 9:30. I'm ready to go home. Suddenly, I hear "What's good?" and a huge grin goes on my coworker and I's face. He spits some more silliness and I die laughing again. We all did. Then the guy who invited me to the Facebook group (who I worked with a few months before) came in and said, "Hey Dexter, something something..." and I was starstruck. My friend then started telling me about how this man is on YouTube and they're making progress trying to get him onto The Damn Show, which would be craaaaaazy, dawg.

YouTube

"Dexter Claims to Suck His Own Dick!!!!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4srdlWski0

You can find him if you look hard enough.

Gutta Bitch

I said this blog would be almost completely about things that people shouldn't treat as wonderful. This is an exception. This is something that everybody needs. Every guy and lesbian, I mean. Everybody needs a gutta bitch. And thanks to Trai'd (pronounced "tray-dee" I think, might be like "trade" because the CD is called Trai'dmark), we have a song dedicated to the good type of women. I said some vile things about women in the previous post, but I really like women, and they're people, contrary to what you might think I believe. So without further ado...

Trai'd - Gutta Bitch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZquFmkVCAQ8

What did you think? Questions? Comments? Put them in the comment section and the Neighborhood Bully will get right to answering them. Especially anonymous dude who took a shit on my hip-hop argument, comment on this song.

Bitches

This is gonna be short. Who needs a skinny bitch? And to a lesser extent, who needs a bitch with a pretty face? (NB: The word "bitch" will be used ad nauseam.) We will talk about the two separately, and also tie them together.

Skinny Bitch

Apparently there's a theory that says thinner women (maybe with nice hips and a few other curves) are desired by most men because they were healthier and more likely to produce a healthy baby, and that's what prehistoric males were looking for. Fine. We also were monkeys and probably played with our own shit. We ate raw meat. We used papyrus. We listened to Grandmaster Flash. Things change for the better. So why don't we realize that the adage, "more cushion for the pushin'" is the realest saying known to man? Who wants to fuck a bitch you could break if you lay the pipe too well? Forget that, gimme a girl with hella curves, some low self-esteem, and a throat that makes it feel like I'm in her pussy, when she's suckin' my dick. If I gotta fold back a few rolls and some extra stretch mark-laden skin, it is what it is. A tight vagina is tight no matter whether it's on Kourtney Kardashian, or her Amazon cunt-lookin sister Khloe or whatever, or even on a flashlight-shaped device. I don't fuck in the ass, and a mouth's a mouth as long as there's no festering wounds in the vicinity and there's no braces (aka cheese graters for what they'll do if you aren't careful). Plus girls with braces are under 18, which I don't condone.*

Pretty Bitch

Why you don't need to fuck them: Beauty doesn't have a vagina.

Why you don't need to treat them better than anybody else: Because they're too stuck up to care.

I'll spend no more time talking about them.

If you are a conceited, "pretty" bitch, you can die twice and I won't give half a wet fuck.

*You thought I would make an exception, didn't you? You sick twisted perverted ass Chris Hansen on Dateline NBC bamma.

July 22nd - less than 3 hours left, still my favorite day in over a month

Will Ferrell can wait. It's not like he's gonna stop being extremely unfunny anytime soon. I'll tear him a new one in due time. Sometimes, things pop up that need attention. Will Ferrell is like the guy who came in with a mild case of what looks like the flu, and these great things are like the dude with the gunshot wounds. Flu Man can wait.

First off day after working three straight 8 hour days without being able to take a seat (other than breaks and lunch), which is normal, but it feels good anyway, so all you haters, fuck off. Anyway, that makes today a good day, but two music developments have made this a GREAT day for me. Let us discuss.




DJ Khaled's new song (AKA him screaming on a track and having other people do all the work) is entitled "Out Here Grindin.'" It features any combination of DJ Khaled, Akon, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Plies, Rick Ross, Lil Boosie, Ace Hood, and Lil Wayne. (The video above has no Jeezy and no Weezy.) The song was nothing to write home about, just another epic song, but this video was built up to be something amazing. And it is, as you'll see. It looks like MI:3, Bad Boyz II, and Speed Racer, and Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift had a wild opium-fueled orgy and for some reason, one of their condoms got a hole pricked into it and it led to a bastard child that is, the "Out Here Grindin'" music video. I love it. I wish Young Jeezy or Lil Wayne were in it. Other than that, I love it.

There's not much more for me to say. DJ Smallz's "Best Thing Smokin'" mixtape series has hit the sweet sixteen, and after looking at the tracklisting, I'm not sure I'll like it all that much. I'm still extremely excited. Southern hip-hop makes my day, everyday. Skrawberry Toaster Strudels are calling me.

Maybe I'll just never do the Will Ferrell thing.

SUBSCRIBE!!!

http://www.zshare.net/audio/15459898595452fd/

Shoutout to T-Velvet (gay ass name for a producer) for that beat that might be good were it not 40 seconds long. Anyway, if you like the blog, or if you like me, or if you hate me and can't wait to see what bullshit I'll say next, subscribe. Comment too. Put me on your list of favorite blogs, or friends' blogs, then tell me and I'll stick you right up here on this one.

That burger was the shit dot net by the way.

June 10th, 2008 - Day-Long Boner

TUESDAY, JUNE TENTH, TWO THOUSAND EIGHT - revisited

Lil Wayne - "Tha Carter III"

Possibly the biggest album of the year. Definitely the biggest album (most hyped, most awaited, all that shit) of the week. But somehow, it was only my third favorite album of the week. It fell behind Plies' "Definition of Real" and Keak Da Sneak's "Deified." I decided to listen to this one in my car, because I felt like this was meant to be listened to while doing something enjoyable, and I love driving more than a lot of things. No track-by-track listing here, I can just say that a few songs are good, none made my dick tear through my pants, and a few were unlistenable. However, that's only really an issue if you listen to selected songs. Let the CD play and you're all good, just enjoy the experience. Not terrible, not great, above mediocre. Any other week, this would be the best album of the week. On Tuesday, June 10th, 2008, that's only good enough for the bronze medal.





Plies - "Definition of Real"

"Went to sleep real, woke up realer / Goon affiliated, ex-drug dealer." Plies. Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, what am I going to do with you? Plies, I love you (no homo). I would tickle your perineum until you jizzed, and I'd yank your hog until you let go all over my face (no homo). That may be a bit much, but I do enjoy his work. He's so real. He can talk about hiding in your bushes, then talk about making you squirt like Cytheria on the very next track. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty real man (say it again, y'all). The CD has no terrible songs. Some are sub-par (which I think means below average, even though sub-par means under par, which is great...whatever), some are aight, and some ("Who Hotter Than Me", "Dat Bitch", "SHIT BAG"!!!!) are 10s out of 10 in my book. This CD is pretty solid in my eyes, and is quite similar to "The Real Testament" in that both CDs are terrific. DoR, however, was not nearly as terrific as...



Keak Da Sneak - Deified


Damn. This may be the first CD that had no songs that I hated. Some I didn't like all that much, but they were few and far between. Quarterbackin is in my top 25 songs of all time, and I'll need to remember that when the Neighborhood Bully gets big enough to have a countdown on BET's weekend programming of my top 25 of all time.


Some bitch just drove by playing "Crank That (Soulja Boy)." Today. July 22nd, 2008. Nearly a year after the song reached its peak. Over a year since the song was released. I hate S-Beezy. SOOOOOOO MUCH.


Anyway, back to Keak, the King of the Super Dooper Hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy(and your wifey, she don't like me like me like me like me like me). He's the man. I don't know what the fuck else to say, other than this CD is in my top 10 all-time, maybe top 5. The songs haven't gotten old, and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Will Ferrell's bitchassness will be addressed in the next post, don't you worry.

Old School / Conscious Hip-Hop

Betterdayz502 wrote:
(last month)
Do you listen to anything that isn't Gangsta Rap? It wouldn't hurt to listen to something that is actually smart.

solidbrotha187 (that's me) wrote:
(last month)
if i wanted to hear something smart, i'd buy a book on tape

That pretty much sums up how I feel about people who want to push their agenda of ending the evolution of hip-hop.

My main arguments:

1) Everything changes, you numbnutted donkeycocksucking necrophiliac. You think hip-hop shouldn't have changed, maybe I wish we just stopped doing everything in the way of aeronautics (right word?) as soon as the Wright Brothers made that thing fly for a few seconds. I could get to McDonald's pretty fast in that glorified hangglider. Maybe playing Number Munchers on the Apple IIc is ok for us. Fuck creating game systems and then developing better ones. Fuck creating the internet and laptops and cellphones with Wi-Fi. Fuck it, let's use magic to heal us. It's really too bad that the medicine game is changing like it is. Penicillin is where we should have stopped. Now everything is getting to be too much. Who needs an understanding of the human genome? Knowing about germs is terrible. I like looking at my meat and saying, "Damn, I sure as shit hope there's not a jungle of bacteria on that T-bone," instead of KNOWING THAT COOKING IT WILL KILL THEM ALL, THANKS TO PEOPLE STUDYING AND CHANGING THE WAY WE THINK ABOUT THINGS. Changing the way we think? To one of these perineum-licking, pubic hair-sniffing, BME-Pain-Olympics-makes-me-horny MOTHERFUCKERS, changing the way we think is NOT OKAY. Unless you're changing to agree with them.

2) Nobody forced you to listen. Hey you, watch this TV show! Eat this sandwich! Wear these clothes! Play this game! And you'll enjoy all of it. Hey dick, that's not how shit works. You can change the station or press next track. Douchebag!
3) You're not all-knowing. Plain and simple - who shoved a magic wand in your asshole and made you the one who decides what's "good" and what's not? Answer: Hopefully nobody.

4) It's not like your favorite music is disappearing, nutbreath. Mr. Salty-ball fanatic, nobody's Fahrenheit 451ing all your favorite 8-tracks, tapes, vinyls, cassettes, and CDs.

5) Me listening to my favorite music isn't taking away from your listening to whatever you like, armpit-cuddler. But I really wish it did. I'd listen to Gucci Mane's mixtape without pauses if it meant you couldn't hear Gangstarr or whoever the hell is the greatest MC.

Here's the thing. I'm not saying my favorite music is the best, even though you continue to do so. I'm saying, as a matter of fact, that nobody can say that. Until somebody develops a STANDARD system of measuring quality of music, I don't wanna hear you claiming yours is the best.

This is what I hear:
-The lyrics are better.
-The beats were more complex.
-They rapped about more varied things.
-They were doing it for love of the game.

But you don't know what I like in a song.
I personally like...
-A good beat (bass, and hopefully something else inventive) - simple is cool too though, if you can make it work.
-An artist who's been around the block.
-A gimmick (being an idiot, putting in no effort, whispering, having a high-pitched voice, rapping stream-of-consciousness, etc.)
-Something I can enjoy, and danceability is a plus.

(BUZZER) NO MATCH!!! And now you're upset. You should be upset about the fact that you bathe in asscrack sweat.

I'm not saying I hate old school, and I'm not saying that new school is better. I'm saying that your opinion isn't right, and you shouldn't be trying to convert me. Next thing you know, motherfuckers (in pairs) wearing gold chains and jumpsuits will be knocking on my door and passing out Q-Tip CD's, trying to convert me to Oldschoolism. And you know what? I'll take the Q-Tip CD and enjoy it. I'll slam the door in those bitches' faces, but I'll say thanks for the CD before that. That's all.

I leave you with this. If you're talking to somebody who doesn't love old school as much as you, instead of telling them that they're a dumb fuckin' idiot, tell them you want them to give a song or a CD a listen. If your friend says no, fine. Your friend is closed-minded, which is OK. If yes, and they like it, congrats, you converted somebody without forcing shit on them. If they don't like it, it was worth a try.

And you need to realize that hip-hop is changing, evolving, whatever you wanna call it, and your upsettedness (possibly caused by a dirty diaper/wedgied panties) isn't going to change it back, and nobody's going to change because of your punkass beliefs.

Betterdayz502, though I responded in a dick manner, I'll let you continue to swear that your music is better, and I'll continue listening to "Get Like Me" and the entire Keak Da Sneak CD.

(If you'd like to see my top music on last.fm, go to http://www.last.fm/user/solidbrotha187. Apparently they changed the site up and I'll have to get used to it, but I'm sure Plies and 2 Pistols are making their way up the list.)

*If I completely fucked up grammar or something like that, get over it. Comment and I'll explain anything that doesn't make sense.

Next Post - Will Ferrell - it wil be short and sweet - believe me.

Shocking

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Two Months Later

(originally posted 13 July 2008)

I'm gonna just spill everything that I think is worth spilling on this post.

-I forgot where this page was so that's why i didn't post forever.
-I decided to not quit CVS, because now CVS is like a 6-8 hour episode of WIld'n Out/Yo Momma.
-I hate Soulja Boy a lot.
-I would do ungodly things to Plies as long as he liked it.
-Me and YouTube have a love-hate connection.
-I'm very bad at basketball, and I can hold my own in every other sport.
-I discovered the Spicy Chicken Soft Taco at Taco Bell
-I tried the Smoky Chipotle Chicken at KFC, and then my pants moved.
-On weekdays, I listen to more radio than watch TV.
-I'm 20 and I'm over MTV/VH1 reality.
-You got no right, bitch.
-Yahoo! Live is the asshole of the internet.
-I have gray hairs for days.
-I have facial hairs for seconds.
-Diet soda and me are now best friends.
-5 lbs of chicken wings for $10? Count me in - thriceover.
-My car is falling apart as we speak.
-I hate everything people like and I don't give a fuck about things that people care about. (e.g. I hate movies, gas isn't draining my pocket - fuck everyone else)*

*which is why I started 'It's All Hype,' a blog about everything that people like because they're supposed to like it.

I'm Moving My Blog to Here

...because the old one was a pain in everybody's ass. So the old posts are going up now. Can You Dig It?