It's almost 2009, so let's go back to 2006

This was my old blog. If you have any questions, the answer is "Because I was an 18 year old nerdass." That's it. enjoy or not, comment or not, either way, I thought it was funny, in a really embarrassing and unfunny way.

http://wouldyoutapthat.blogspot.com (the name was pretty good)

You Probably Already Know, But...

...I LOVE DOMINO'S PIZZA. A lot. Plenty of posts on this blog speak on my love for their foods, with their subs holding a place in my heart (especially the Chicken Bacon Ranch). I've ordered Domino's a billion times because at school, that's the easiest, cheapest option for me. But I have never before done the Domino's Pizza Tracker.


If you've used this before, I assume you know how amazing this is. Now I don't have to sit in my room watching Steve Wilkos wondering whether they've even started making my food. I can now say, "Don't worry, self, it's on its way." What more can I say, other than if I finish this order and die in the process, I will die a very, very happy man.

Biggest Asshole of 2008

Let's skip the ghetto semantics and deal with a very important issue: "spreading the wealth." I'm not talking about what might be covered on CNN or inside some political[sic] asshole's dorm room. No, I am referring to the virtual slavery currently found at Cent Sports, internet's answer to pussies who like to bet, but are afraid of putting up their mortgage. The site has an option, in which registered members can invite friends to sign up. These registered members would then receive 5% of their friends' earnings, relegating these friends to the rank of crony. You get them to sign up, they give you something in return. That's fine.

However, Cent Sports also has an option, where independently-registered users can sign up to be another member's crony. Kind of like black people in the 1500s, before Booker T. Washington said "Let my homies go!" The site also has very unclear guidelines hidden in their FAQ's section. If you have not guessed it yet, I was a victim of carelessly agreeing to be somebody's crony. This somebody (in his arrogant state) even threatened to sneak into my home at night and stick his finger through my jammies' peehole; he would then proceed to give me a blowjob while I lay in deep slumber. After many ignored emails sent to both the Cent Sports team and this asshole (pictured above), I have decided to legally pursue my emancipation. In any case, the guy's an ass and certainly my pick for Biggest Asshole of 2008.

Runners Up: Girl(s) who charge 300rmb per hour. Outrageous!

New Bloggers

Plain and simple: The more people helping out on this blog, the better. We're gonna get this huge. So if you're trying to do it, comment here and say what you want to do with it. If I like it, you're in.

Having McNugget love will do this to you...*

Girl, you got a 10-piece, please don't be stingaayyy.

I'm not talking about having withdrawal symptoms from not eating McNuggets for seven or eight days. I'm talking about that symptom of McNugget Love that so far has made me think about fast food every day since the first time I saw the commercial. Thinking about McDonald's, and also other fast food will trigger random thoughts, and then I'll mentally compare a random thought to something about fast food. The latter happened to me today, or yesterday, whatever you wanna call it.

So, as you should know, I don't like people who swear they know why hip-hop is dead. There's a post really early on in this blog that clearly illustrates my feelings on the whole thing. No need to go into detail again. But I did hear somebody somewhere basically saying that hip-hop was dead and that nothing will ever take it back to the golden age. The golden age of hip-hop happened in the early to mid 90's (a terrible time for everything else - don't let anybody tell you otherwise) when hip-hop was all about lyricism and all about subjects that made you think while listening to music. It was based in New York, but people from other places were doing it too, although the influence from the headquarters (NY) was evident. Before then, it was mainly club music with simple beats and simple lyrics and it was all in New York. Now, it's mainly club music with simple beats and...simple...lyrics...oh damn. But it's all over the map, and the "mainly" is key, because there's still music that emulates music from the golden age, California, Texas, the Midwest, ATL, Miami, New York, even Arizona, Virginia, and DC are all kinda important. It's also worldwide, assholes.

That's not important, because that's not a part of what I'm trying to argue. I was basically trying to say that hip-hop has branched out - it's different, and there's different types. Almost different enough to not be able to be lumped into the same category.

Now, let's get to the main shit.

• McDonald's original menu, in 1955, had, if I'm not mistaken, nine things on it: the hamburger, the cheeseburger, the soft drink in 3 flavors, milk, coffee, pie, fries, a milkshake, and potato chips. This will be compared to the origin of hip-hop.
• I don't have a menu for any other times, because they're so fucking enormous decades later, but let's just say the time when supersized shit and 9 piece McNuggets with white and dark meat existed is the golden age of the golden arches.
• Now, the time when salads, yogurt, and water, along with a whole new menu (dollar menu), breakfasts galore, premium coffee, and a thousand new sandwiches and shit exist, along with the disappearance of the supersize stuff can be the state of hip-hop now.

This was all a lot simpler when it popped into my head.

So we'll make our comparison between the golden age and now, in terms of McDonald's. All the people who think that hip-hop is now dead should be the same people who think that McDonald's is dead. The commercialization in both is actually very similar. But what I think is the most important part is that you have to remember that you can still find what you liked before. Maybe you liked the Big Mac. Even though there's a Southern Chicken Sandwich and Chicken Selects now, they still have the Big Mac. Maybe you liked the milkshakes. They still have them, even though there's hella coffee and cookies and a couple dozen sodas now. So it's not dead, there's just been additions that you have to sift through. Or, you can be like me (in both situations) and follow what's new. I say, whatever you like, just do it. Just please, for the love of God and everybody in His clique, don't whine and scream and tell me I'm wrong or that you're right. If you want to, go do it in a soundproof booth. I'll be on the other side.

On a lighter note, is it a coincidence that between the golden age and now, the supersize disappeared, and the supersize rapper (Biggie) died? Probably not. I think they both had a great relationship.

To sum it all up: Things change, things branch out, but you can still almost always find whatever older things you liked. So things haven't died - it's more like tree trunks, where more shit just gets added on, but the roots (no pun intended) are still present. So shut your damn mouth unless my dick's all up in it.

*This entire blog post is very uninformed, so take everything with a lot of grains of salt.

UPDATE: Here's my new thing: Stay up really late on Saturday night so that you wake up and football is already on. It's like waking up from a nightmare and being waist-deep in ribs. Damn, I need some ribs.

Damn, I'm on a floppin' spree...

Realer than the Crackheads Gone Wild documentary.

Lamer than that one president with the Polio.

Sadder than the Detroit Lions' 2008 season (I did this picture).

From Hip Hop Galaxy (I had to do a lot of grammar-fixing in this article):

Who debuted #1 on Billboard’s Rap Albums Charts? Plies with his third solo album Da REAList selling a solid 114,600 units and featuring Ashanti and Sean Garrett...After a campaign telling everybody that he would sell a million albums in the first week, Soulja Boy only manages to enter the charts at #4 with his
second album iSouljaBoyTellEm moving only 45,500 units despite appearances from Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo.

Many things here make me happy. I'll name them and then tell you why they're great.

Plies debuted at #1 (for rap). Plies is my second favorite rapper, only behind Yo Gotti (the stand-in for Gucci Mane). Now 114,600 isn't as good as a million, like Lil Wayne got that week that Plies released Definition of Real. Still, he did better than the next best selling rap album that was a new entry.

Soulja Boy's CD moved 45,500 units. That's just over 40% of Plies' first week albums sold. Fine, that's ok. We're in a recession, and nobody buys any music anymore. However, that's UNDER 5% of his estimated totals of 1 million albums sold. Asshole. You got pretty close. Just think. If you said, "I'm gonna run a marathon today," and you have the success of Soulja Boy, you would go just over 1 mile. That SUCKS. Real bad.

Hey Soulja Boy, remember "Crank That"? Yeah, that was a real nice time. Don't worry though, you still did better than V.I.C., of "Get Silly" fame, because his CD, Beast released like 20,000. Ever. Awful. Fuck.

They also mentioned Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo, and I fuck with both of them.

Last thing I wanted to say was that Paper Trail and Theater of the Mind beat iSouljaBoyTellEm - this week. Paper Trail came out about three months ago and is still selling more than Soulja Boy's shit. Theater of the Mind came out about a month ago and I assume that "One More Drink" got big and made that CD sell more. Soulja Boy might want to fix that beef with T-Pain and stop putting Sammie on your singles. Sammie? Bitch, who the fuck are you. Punk bitch. Go die somewhere.

Two Thousand and Hate - songs and artists that pissed me off

This is my official list of musical things that made me want to take my car radio, bash my skull in with it, put my head through the car's window, use that hole to throw my radio out, crash my car from the loss of blood and the head trauma, fly to South America (still bleeding and concussed), not go to the hospital, instead go to the desert, not bring a drink or food, find a scorpion, stick a cactus barb in its asshole, throw that shit down my pants, lean wit it, rock wit it, and do a cannonball into a bed of live cacti. In other words, these things made me upset and want to not listen to them anymore.

These are things that I would hear approximately 1.94 billion times an hour, and for me, that was about 1.94 billion times too many. People who record the shit that is so bubblegummy that I got it all in my hair and I had to get my hair cut like a lesbian and wear a bonnet until it grew back nice. People who thought they were revolutionizing music...by doing something that had already been done. People who complained about things that most people like - even if they tell other people they don't. People who changed for the worse. Songs that I couldn't get away from. Songs that made 19 1/2 year old girls drunkenly jump on the beer pong table and dance for dollars, which would be fine, but then three of her friends (all three being fat) would jump on and start shrieking the lyrics and think they were the next American Idol. Then the combined weight of 784 pounds (that's 196 pounds per girl!) would collapse the table, beer would go everywhere, and these girls would then proceed to try to get dudes to throw the dick like Skee-Ball at Chuck-E-Cheese. Unfortunately, scoring 200 doesn't get you tickets here: it gets you a one-way ticket to Ughville when you wake up next to her in the morning, hungover as shit.

Anyway, here's the stuff. I spent at least 10 minutes putting these in order Pretty good number I chose (17). I'm a failure at life.

The seventeen things that made me want to put a dull pencil through my ribcage:

17) Young Jeezy, Put On - Like the song, HATE the video. Young Jeezy, you're not allowed to talk about how fucked up people's lives are when you record 100 songs about how much capital wealth you have. Wasn't his next video "Vacation," where he's on the beach, riding jetskis, and buying everybody shots of Grey Goose at the hot spot for the evening. Good for you man, I'm sure you can relate to the economic struggles of everybody. Maybe you could before you blew up, but you can't just sit around and make a video like this when you're bitching about the bartender not having enough Patron.

16) T.I., Live Your Life - I hate Rihanna. I also hate really popular YouTube videos (Chocolate Rain, the Laughing Baby, and this Numa Numa motherfucker). Mix them together and you have something that not even T.I. can make me like. The video was weird, too.

15) Three 6 Mafia, Lolli Lolli(Pop That Body) - My recent reunion with Three 6 Mafia and Project Pat made me think of how much better any song they ever made was than this trash. Song sucks, but it sucks more considering Three 6 Mafia did some bomb ass shit. Also, you're not Larry King when you talk about how Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body) and Lollipop (look for this song later) came out at pretty much the same time OMG!!! FUCK YOU.

14) Beyonce - I hate everything she does. She thinks she's a mix between Cleopatra, Madonna, and every powerful woman ever to live. All six of those powerful women did 100 times what Beyonce did. People love her songs, no doubt. I just think that all her songs sound really similar, so by me hating one song, I hate them all by default. Take care of that cellulite too.

13) Chris Brown - Girls love him, girls don't love me, therefore, I'm jealous. Also, his songs are all R&Bitch music. Whiny, I-love-the-girl-in-my-6th-period-biology-class, mom-come-pick-me-up-from-soccer-practice, I-need-you-to-sign-my-field-trip-permission-slip, pussy ass music.

12) Flo Rida, Low - EVERY GIRL EVER would dance to this song like she was the frontwoman of the Pussycat Dolls. Except they aren't. And if I had to hear 39 girls in one room scream "LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW!!!" OR "APPLE BOTTOM JEANS, BOOTS WITH THE FURRRR" (emphasis on furrrrr), or better yet, slide those phrases into ordinary conversation (mouth puke) one more time, I was going to shove a 32 oz bottle (full) Gatorade down my throat. T-Pain has the midas touch, but a gold diarrhea shit is still a diarrhea shit.

11) M.I.A., Paper Planes - You're not indie because you know the words to this song. As if being indie was even all that cool. The remix is the shit, people thinking they are too FUCKING COOL FOR THEIR FUCKING SUNDRESS, UGGS, AND BUGEYE SUNGLASSES is not. And take that fucking twist off the top of your overbleached hair - it makes you look like you're trying to cover up the stain from the impromptu game of mushy biscuit that dudes played with your dome.

10) Kanye West - Love Lockdown - Boom boom BOOM boom (repeat 3,000 times). Kanye West using Autotune isn't bad - in fact, it's great. It's just the fact that this whiny ass song exists that's bad. Also, I don't like Kanye West as a person at all. Not much to say - simple song, simple review.

9) Mariah Carey - You're crazy, then you had an emancipation of Mimi, which I think is your alterego, and somehow made a comeback. I don't understand what all the hullabaloo was about, but I don't like it. Get back in the kitchen. I didn't say that, it was my alterego.

8) Estelle, American Boy - Being British, or even having any accent that isn't American, is apparently all you need for at least one hit song. I didn't listen to the lyrics, but here's what I got out of that song: You wanna fuck an American dude. Well, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what we like to do here in the States. We like to take our cocks and shove them so far down British girls' throats that they lose their accents, and also their inhibitions. So I hope you get that American boy - just never be anywhere where I am or you better be down to get dicked long. Sorry.

7) Sara Bareilles, Love Song - You're not gonna write me a love song? Bitch, you better get me that order of chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Bitch, you just wrote something that sounds enough like a love song for me to want to change the radio station with a baseball bat. Bitch, you aren't famous anymore. Bitch, apparently people aren't writing love songs about your musical career. Bitch. Your name sounds like a box of bad pasta, I think, because your name sucks so much that I don't know how to pronounce it. Bitch.

6) Jordin Sparks, No Air - Nothing to say here. Singing about shit like this is dreadful, American Idol is dreadful, Chris Brown is dreadful (except for Kiss Kiss, but T-Pain made that song), and so how the hell is there any way for this to be anything other than vomit-inducing.

5) Lupe Fiasco, Superstar - You think you're cool. But a fucking skateboarder released a diss track on your ass and kilt you on it. You got murdered in that shit, you pussy. Kick, push, coast? No, more like Dick, puss, choch. That's for what you have buried halfway in your asshole, what you don't like, and what you smell like. (Notice how my anger has increased as I move towards #1.) You think you're doing something special, but being lyrical still happens. And it happened even more about 15 years ago. That would be like me saying that wearing flannel in Seattle was special. It's not, and neither are you. Your mother never loved you.

4) Lil Wayne, Lollipop - I LOVED the song the first time I heard it. Loved it maybe the next 20 times. Liked it the next 50 times. Hated it the next 348,000 times I heard it. Hated it when girls started to "sing" it everywhere they went. All the time. Seriously. Could this song have been played more (the question is not rhetorical)? Answer: FUCK NO. I heard it at least 4 times every day until October. And at no time were you hood when you were blaring this out of your Camry's speakers. Just remember that. If you were a guy with your hat backwards mouthing the words and bobbing your head, there might as well have been a throbbing penis for you to bob all up on. Lick on that like a lollipop, you fucking dick taster.

3) Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl - and you liked it? GREAT. Until I hear "I munched some box and I liked it...I munched some box cuz I'm dykin'," you get no love or money or listening time from me. You look like you could dunk on Shaq, but since you are a woman, you would be stuck towering over Lisa Leslie, missing lay-ups and making $17,000 a season before getting out of the arena and going to work the night shift at a mall kiosk. By kissing a girl, you are no better than any drunk slut out at the club, and by liking it, you're actually worse than those girls.

2) Rihanna - FUCK YOU. Girls love your music, some guys think you're hot, I believe neither. I could have a picnic - no, I could have a block party on your large forehead. Learn English and then come talk to me. Sing a song that makes sense and then come talk to me. Quit annoying me with your voice and then come talk to me. Just make sure I have my earplugs in and noise-canceling headphones on before you start speaking. Bitch. Pretty good concert in the Town Center too. Take forever to get there, sing two songs, and leave. Go take a watery shit on yourself and then sit in your favorite reclining chair.

1) Nas - You are the biggest asshole ever. You think that everything you do is great. You think you can do anything and people will worship you. You think you're the only one that knows how to make good hip-hop. Actually, I know what's up. You think you're a mix between Jesus Christ and Confucius. News flash, douchebag: you're not. You don't even have enough of an imagination to come up with a good album title. You don't have enough of a functioning brain to come up with ANY album title. How about this - Nas, "8 Inches of Meat In My Mouth." Yeah, you like that, don't you? Go die. Just die. However you want to die, just do it. Kill yourself, let me do it, whatever you like.

NOTE: I'm going to piss a lot of people off with this one.

Feel free to comment and add your own least favorite music-related things.

*Honorable mention goes to Fergie. You don't deserve to breathe my air.

Shit's tight duke

Whut it do, y'all? It yo boy Kabnis bringin shome hot ish. I'mma get real political wit y'all bout this book duke. it called Audacity of Hope and maang it some poweful ish ya heard? Now check it, it about believin in yoself and not lettin the government tell you what to do. If you want to smoke weed, than duke, smoke some mad weed! This book is dope though. It straight CNN no bull homie! It about hope and shit ish duke. But now I need some rest. Readin' hard work duke. I gives this shit a 5/5. No need to be runnin feelings. Put yo thinkin caps on!

I Want To Have Sex With...

...this man.

That's it.

Thanksgiving Day 2008

This was after a touchdown, so they should be happy. Whoops, now it's 60-7.

The original point of the blog was to talk about things that get too much credit when they deserve none, but that hasn't been enforced very well. Anyway, let's get back to things that suck. The Lions. They laid a very large egg, like one of those ostrich ones that makes an omelet the size of Bhutan. But it's more than that. I could talk shit about them all day, and I wouldn't be the only one. I also wouldn't be the first one. There's no reason to beat up on the Lions, because 12 teams have already done that. (The Redskins didn't really beat them up.) If it were like Mortal Kombat or one of those games, both teams would have been really close to the end of that health bar, but the Redskins got in one more pussy kick.

Anyway...the Titans-Lions game wasn't the only awful Thanksgiving Day game. Matta fact, none of them were good. Here's the scoreboard.

47-10 (37 point difference), 34-9 (25 point difference - this was the "close" game), 48-20 (28 point difference).

I don't even care who scored what and which game was which - the point is that there were three games, three chances to get a good game, and they failed miserably every time. FUCK THAT SHIT.

I don't want to whine, but I will anyway.

TEN 47, DET 10. I hated that game and Detroit should never have a game ever again. The Lions are almost undoubtedly the worst team in football and sports altogether - ever. Ever. There's not much more to say about that. They suck and it's gonna be a LONG, LONG time before they don't suck anymore. That game should have been moved to Sunday, November Nevereth. That game was over before it started, except instead of being over, there was still 3 hours of football left. That game was puke on TV. For the first time in recent memory, I changed the channel during Thanksgiving Day. Hopefully it doesn't happen again, because I felt kinda unmanly when I did that.

DAL 34, SEA 9. The nailbiter of a game. Dallas is good and it makes me kinda angry because I like the Redskins, who don't like winning games until they absolutely have to. I think that time starts about now. This game wasn't good, but not because the Seahawks were godawful. It was because Dallas played well, and that might be even worse than Seattle being Lionesque, which they weren't. Dallas is good, but as far as I'm concerned, they still suck, and Tony Romo is the worst quarterback ever to wear an NFL jersey. This guy makes Kyle Orlovsky look like Steve Young on PCP with only the good effects, like thinking you can fly and being able to kill five cops with a flick of the wrist. No more talking about Dallas - if you want more Dallas talk, go watch ESPN for about 3 minutes - they'll mention the Cowboys at least twice in that time. Two down, one to go. This next game should be great. One problem - it's not on TV, unless you have something better than standard cable.

PHI 48, ARZ 20. Has to watch this online, because we don't have that channel (NFL Network). Whatever, it's not a problem, at least I can see clips of a game that won't get as ugly as the first two.

21-0.

That's when I said it wasn't even worth watching the commentary. I turned off the stream of the game and watched VH1 for the rest of the night. The highpoint of the game was some douche sideline reporter dancing while he didn't know he was on camera. That made me chuckle. Then I saw the score and I stopped chuckling real fast and started sobbing a little bit, because that was the end of Thanksgiving Day 2008 in the NFL, and it was straight trash homie.

All in all, today (Sunday, or maybe early Monday morning right now) almost made up for everything, because there were teams capable of putting up fights against the teams they played.

------

Currently listening to: DJ Saint 22 & Gucci Mane - Trap Dedication

Currently watching: One of the Star Wars movies. Actually, I just stopped watching. Just now.