Shoutout to Hi Def

Our boy Hassan has a new blog that showed up just in time for the switchover to digital. Check out Hi Def Chillin at http://hdchill.blogspot.com/ and follow this douche on Twitter. It's bound to be good, but if it turns out like straight trash, I'll be sure to let you all know.

How I interpret this Iranian crisis

There's a whole lot of shit to understand. I have three options: either watch the news and watch my dick fall off from boredom, read Twitter and watch my eyes fall out from people's sheer ignorance and stupidity, or skim through Wikipedia and look at pictures, charts, bold words, titles of things, and numbers.

I did the third.

There's no reason for me to sit in my house and watch protests in a country that seems to have nothing going for it, ever. Especially when I can watch the Nationals win their fourth straight. (They might actually be good.) Anyway, here is what I am getting from the Wikipedia article:

• Politics couldn't be more boring. There's a reason why old, rich, white men dominate - it's because they have no desire to do anything interesting, so they chill in politics.
• The hundred polls that they have are terrible and obviously have no credibility.
• Their electoral process is garbage. When you have a category for 'spoiled votes' and they account for about 1 out of every 50 votes, there's a major problem.
• Why don't you get some non-corrupt people to watch over the vote tallying? Maybe because if you tell the truth, you'll get capped, because every motherfucker and their kids in that country got an AK.

That's all I learned.

So this Mousavi dude got done dirty and this Ahmadinejad dude is getting flossed for no reason. So what do you do as a country, Iran? Do you suck it up like America did when Al Gore allegedly got dicked out of the presidency? Do you try to make it work and let the president know that you as a nation are going to work to make your place a better place?

Or do you run into the dirt roads and ack a azz on what ends up being national TV?

They did the third.

My very easy to answer question is: Am I missing something extremely important, am I being extremely insensitive and ethnocentric, or do none of these people have jobs?

I'm guessing the first, second, AND third.

And they say TV turns your brain into mush...

Cuntiness in the front, dykey in the back.

Bitch, my brain is on overdrive when I got the TV running. Thoughts pop into my head from all directions, kind of like penises into Paris Hilton's vagina (which will be referenced later in this post), or maybe like pins into a pincushion, for you people who have normal/nonperverted/nonchildish/evolved minds. It's not like I get my A Tale of Two Cities on, it's just a thought, maybe a wisecrack of some sort, and before, I've let them make their short appearance and then pass. Not this time. There were too many gems.

This all took place while I was flipping between ESPN and MTV. The national soccer team was playing Honduras on ESPN, an episode of True Life was on MTV, and I was eating Chinese food (roast pork fried rice to be exact, which I will be getting again before I leave this place and head back to school).

In no particular order:

• MTV is awful in the worst way. I would rather rub Paris Hilton's vagina (see, I used it) in my eyeball than watch 85% of their programming.
• If Twitterotica (Twitter + literotica) doesn't exist, it should - so that I can have something else to not give a rat's swollen left nut about.
• 99% of True Life episodes are trash.
• Bitch, your boobs are too big because you're 55 pounds overweight, not because you were born unlucky. You dumb bitch.
• The Nationals won. I guess they're only 99,999 games under .500 now.
• You have to be FUCKING kidding me. This enormous monstrosity of a yeti just said her large boobs (and please, stop calling them that, especially when you're talking to your moms [and isn't that an awkward conversation]) were turning guys off. What about your bad hairdo, your fat face, your triple chin, your arm flab, your gunt, your flat but still large and cottage cheesy ass, your thighs that make tree trunks jealous, your cankles, your fat feet which I assume you have, your bad clothes, your bad attitude, and your impudence.
• Apparently there's no delay of game in soccer. Why don't you take a knife, pop the ball, piss in it, and then put it back down. That would actually be quicker.
• 99% of American soccer fans are 'fans' because liking soccer means they're 'cultured.' Go lick culture's nutsack if you love it so much. (Licking the underside of a nutsack, to me, is a better display of affection than anything you could ever do, ever.)
• "A Milli" sucks.
• Fenway Park is the most poorly built thing I have ever seen or even heard about. The Ford Pinto laughs at the construction of Fenway Park.
• If you don't hate the Red Sox, that's something we don't have in common.
• If you don't want to mass murder the Red Sox fans that have no ties to Boston, or even Massachusetts, or even the East Coast north of Ellicott City, Maryland, and never watched baseball before they won the World Series, leap in front of a bullet train.
• 99% of soccer players would probably bleed out and die an agonizingly painful death if somebody ACTUALLY FOULED THEM. YOU AREN'T HURT, GET THE FUCK UP, YOU PUSSY. YOU MAKE YOU ENTIRE COUNTRY LOOK LIKE MISERABLE CUNTS WHEN YOU CRY FROM BEING HURT, BUT NOT THE FOR REAL HURT. THE FOR FAKE HURT.
• MTV should have a reverse parental control, since that whole channel is not suitable for anybody under 21.
• When a bacterium multiplies, a soccer player falls down in the penalty box. A fly burping would be grounds for a penalty kick.
• The only person who hears as much inane SHIT as a soccer ref is Jon of Jon & Kate Plus 8. It should be Jon & Kate's Cunty Hairdo Plus 8. The hair doesn't look good, and I assume the rug matches the drapes.
• Listen to this for as long as you can. If you don't slit your wrists after 5.72 seconds, you're a better person than I am.