Juelz Applewhite

Everybody that isn't young as shit know this dude. Maybe you don't remember him, or maybe you were out of the country for months on end in 1997, or maybe you were young as shit. Maybe you were in the cult when the Hale-Bopp Comet showed up, and then you took your journey and made your way around the universe and then showed back up in a new form. This guy is was the leader of the Heaven's Gate Cult, Marshall Applewhite.

There's no reason to go into detail, just go to Wikipedia and look for "Heaven's Gate." Read about it if you don't know.

Juelz Santana.

What the hell does that have to do with anything. Here's what. Feast your eyes on THIS.

This picture was taken from the Pop Champagne video by Jim Jones, Ron Browz, and Juelz Santana. I've seen the video maybe a dozen times, and I never really thought about this until just now, which is why I'm blogging on a Friday night. Anyway, you tell me just how much or how little alike they look.

Try to find this on eBay...

WARNING: This is going to be a very graphic post. Go here if you'd like to see the story, but if you wanna hear the Neighborhood Bully's take on this, keep reading. You've been warned.

ALERT: It is 8 degrees. Not 80, not 18...8...E-I-G-H-T. SHIT.

Her body and face are the color of the before and after teeth in a tooth whitening strip commercial, respectively.

Be warned, I didn't read the article very well, and I only saw what I wanted to read, so there's a LOT of bias.

Anyway, Natalie Dylan (that bitch) is 22 years old and has a degree in women's studies. Pretty useful. In this bust it economy, it's good to know that people will sacrifice getting a good job to take four years of reading books by feminists with a bunch of lesbians whose ideas of partying include munching carpet, eating box, and roast beef, with a ham sandwich on the side, and maybe some juices the same color as a Shirley Temple, but a little thicker and with chunks in them.

This bitch wants to go to grad school. I don't know why, or for what, but she needs cash. She wants to also buy a house and help out her family, be financially stable (because buying 2 houses and going to school and paying off debts and bills would leave you with plenty of extra money), and so on. Good for you, get your money, get that paper. However, I still think you're a very dirty whore, even though you've never fucked...vaginally. That's right, she fucked in the ass (probably more than once) and probably throws her mouth onto dicks like a fly onto a Ethiopian child's face. No vag though. You will never get respect from me.

She's fixin to get $3.7 million. That's more than I will ever see in my life. EVER. I would like to write down a sentence few sentences a bunch of sentences that describe what you'll be getting if you win a fuckfest with this girl.

These are the worst words I've ever said coming up.

• You are spending the cost of 3.52 million McDoubles at McDonalds to have awkward sober sex with a girl that has never done that before and surely doesn't know what to do.
• You can be sure that her hymen will bust, and she'll try to keep from laughing when you pull your 3-4 inch penis out of her extremely tight vagina that you may or may not have torn. You won't be happy about that.
• Your dick will be covered with a broken condom and a lot of blood, and so will your clothes that you accidentally left on the bed.
• She won't suck your dick before sex, because she's not a whore,
• She definitely won't suck your dick afterward because she doesn't like the taste of copper and fungus, which will be wafting into her nose from your dick after coitus.
• She won't kiss you because she doesn't love you. Come on.
• You'll be forced to leave immediately after she's done, which will be under 5 minutes.
• She'll wait until the cherry is popped and say that it's over.
• She didn't orgasm, but you did - four minutes ago.
• And you jammed it in so hard, so you broke the condom and impregnated her.
• But you don't care, because you can say that you did the prepaid, lump-sum child support and force her to use it all on the child.
• Sucks for her.
• And oh yeah, it turns out that that one prostitute you paid $25 for a blowjob had a cold sore. You know the rest. Pretend like the herpes is a football and Natalie Dylan is Larry Fitzgerald. Caught in the endzone (pun intended) .... You know, endzone, asshole, maybe he can slip it in there. Just the tip.

But it's all good because she got a lot of money and only had to give her redwood forest-covered vagina up. And her dignity, she'll give that up too. Oh wait, she already did.

------

BONUS: My NFL picks that have not been thought through at all:

• Steelers over Ravens, 24-17 - Joe Flacco is not that good, and nothing I ever want to happen happens, so I'll pick the team I hate more. Ed Reed will make me swoon twice.


• Cardinals over Eagles, 26-17 - This is a tossup for me, so I picked the team I don't want to win. Donovan McNabb will pull a can of Chunky Soup out of his pants and eat it in the endzone.

An Hero

The greatest thing since sliced bread, which I'm pretty sure he invented.

Here's a quiz for you. You're in an airplane when a militant goose decides to sacrifice himself in the name of Allah and throw himself at your engine with the aim of murdering everyone inside. Do you:

A) Drink every ounce of alcohol on the plane and begin to commit misogynistic acts.
B) Listen to MC ThugznJugz's hit single "Dunkin Deeeznuts" to remind yourself it could be worse.
C) QQ
D) Land the plane on the water because landing it on an airstrip is too easy.

The answer is, of course, B.

This pilot's name is Chesley Sullenberger. That name would be terrible if it didn't belong to this titan of a man. He is a combination of Jesus, Han Solo, Bruce Lee, Charles Lindberg, and Michelle Obama. His dick Super Size, your dick two fries. Not only did he land a 747 in the Hudson River (which is the impossible choice D), nobody died and he got off the plane about half an hour after everyone else because he wanted to see the end of the in-flight movie ("Friday After Next", starring Ice Cube). He also landed in freezing cold water, which I assume was to spite the passengers for praying to their respective gods instead of praying to him while he was saving their asses.

Chesley will be featured in the upcoming video game Gears of War 7. He will be playing the role of planet Earth.

Got that McRib Love

I am happy to announce that, after multiple international farewell tours, the McRib has once again returned to McDonalds menus across America.  Unfortunately, the gloriously saucy meat patty isn't available everywhere yet.  In fact, I'm starting to get the feeling that McDonalds is purposefully shorting the supply on the sandwich so they can turn it into the Bigfoot of fast food and charge McRib-starved customers out the ass when they manage to hunt one down.

 

Even if it is some corporate scheme to translate viral marketing to the fast food menu, I'll be hunting down a few McRibs to shove down my own throat this weekend.  That's why I'm bringing you the best site on the internet right now.  That's right, this URL is on it's grustle and it goes hard.  It's about to blow up bigger than Google.  Not only does this site tell you where to find the McRib closest to you, it actually tells you how recently the hunks of deliciously processed meat were seen.  So, be sure to grab your own McSasquatch before it goes out of stock again.

[get your own McRib: http://kleincast.com/maps/mcrib.php]

Spread the word like butter

Now it's easier than EVER to let the world know what we think (we need a nickname for the six bloggers, Jena 6 was in bad taste so I'm still taking suggestions). There's hella buttons below each post (or at least there should be) and so if you see a post you or somebody you know would like, use one of those buttons to spread the hypebashing that we do over the World Wide Web. More Haterade to come from all of us in the very new future.

For now, enjoy this - if you can keep yourself from watching it three times, you're a better person than I.



Extra video: Gucci Mane swings at Mac Bree-Z (a girl). Pay attention starting at about 1:53 into the video.

Gucci Blondana

What haaaaaapenin' baaaaaaby?

The WORST word of 2009

(from left to right: stereotypical blonde bitch, stereotypical blonde bitch, out of place bitch that nobody cares about, and another blonde bitch)

Before I start, you should probably know that I hate girls that think their shit smells like the area around the Cinnabon stand in your local mall. You'll probably learn everything else you need to know as you read through this post.

Let's move on.

So it's like 7:45 and, shockingly, I have nothing to watch on TV. I'm flipping through the channels and I see that Rock of Love Bus is on, so I decide to watch the episode that I've seen already more than once. The episode goes along, nothing special, same shit, fightin', drinkin', and altogether cuntin' it up like they always do about this time. So they're at elimination and there's a lot of girls from the pink bus (there's that and the blue bus; most of the blonde trash is on the pink bus) and this one dirty slut Gia's confessional thing comes on and she says something that made me cringe. I'll try to quote it as best I can.

"...and I see all my girls from the pink bus go on to the next round and I say 'No, you can't send my girls home, you can't break up the Blondetourage.'..."

As soon as that last word came out of her mouth, I did this:

and then I did that again, and again, and again.

Blondetourage? Seriously?!? As clever as it is (and I will admit, it's very clever), it's still the worst thing ever, because it just means that any girl that decides to bleach her hair can automatically join, and as soon as her roots spring right back out of her scalp, she's out again. That's garbage. But there's no way the girl who had another girl take a shot out of her vagina (yes, that REALLY happened) could think that up. So I go to the trusty Google and search for "blondetourage." First result was: Blondetourage.com - Celebrate the Blonde in All of Us!

I went. The last time I went to a website and regretted it this much, (WARNING: SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY UPSET) I opened a video of a man with both hands fully in a girl's asshole with tons of anal lube. The man was moving his hands around in a motion that people do when washing their hands or trying to warm their hands up in front of the fireplace, or a steel trash can with fire coming out of it. Also, he might have been clapping while inside. Make sure you turn the sound on too. It's like birds chirping during a dawn in late April.

Go ahead and check out Blondetourage.com if you want, and even search for "Texas Hand Washer (the grosser one), I'm not even going to tell you what's there. There's more ads and videos and Flash and images and shit than a Russian porn site on Blondetourage, so don't be surprised if you do decide to visit it.

I looked through the website again, and I want to puke, because they have Blondegerie. Yeah. Refer to the second picture. That's it - I'm pissed off now.