It's not that hard...

In the past few weeks, as the weather has begun to change and people are outside more, it seems like they don't remember how to walk outside in public. I have come to notice a bunch of different things that people do outside that shows they can't conduct themselves correctly in public. I will go into detail with them here, and you tell me whether or not these sound like they make sense.

1) Get the fuck out of the middle of the fucking sidewalk.

People don't understand that standing in the middle of the sidewalk and being 4 feet apart from each other isn't acceptable. You're making yourselves look like asses and you're embarrassing the entire human population when you block off more than half of a six foot wide sidewalk. You're bitches, and if i ever see you doing it again, I'm walking in between you, and I'll be leading a train in between your conversation that is SO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you had to immediately stop and run your mouths about how awful you did on your last test. Get over yourself, bitch - you got an 83. You're making it all about you, and even though it looks like you might have your own orbit, you fat annoying bitch, the Earth does not revolve around you. Go leap off the top step of an escalator, because there's no way this bitch or her bitch friend are taking the stairs. And if they did, you won't be able to get around them unless the staircase is a hundred feet across. Makes me want to just chokeslam a bitch.

2) The fucking sidewalk does not belong to you and your fucking friends. Get in a fucking line.

For some reason, half of the students at this godforsaken college jog 12 miles a day, 8 days a week. I'm not talking shit about you jogging, I wish I had the discipline to run as often as a lot of these people do. And I'm sure running with your friends or teammates makes it easier, which I have no problem with. It's when you and 20 of your jogmates run down a 2 people sidewalk and make me have to walk off the sidewalk and straight into oncoming traffic. But that's not the main problem, because you can't really find good places to run around here with 20 people, so I don't get that angry about that. It's when you, your slow, homely, quasi-lesbian girlfriend (but only when she's drunk off 2 beers and a shot that it took her 30 minutes to finish), and her quasi-lesbian lover (yeah, bet you didn't know that about the love of your life) all decide to run down a sidewalk and there's obviously grass on one side, and I'm all the way on the right being courteous, and then Leann the Lezzie starts sprinting right at me. Then I have to move, or else I get the carpetmucher knuckle sandwich. I don't know where those knuckles have been, and I really, REALLY, don't want to. So I move. Bitch, go to my left, get on the grass, get behind somebody for 5 seconds (oh, the horror), or prepare for the Terry Tate smackdown.

3) It's called the "right" side for a reason.

Don't walk on the left side of anything. This isn't London, Australia, or some other bizarro world that you might live in. This is the United States of America where we do things right, on the right. We drive on the right, we write with our right hands (the normal ones do), and so on and so forth. So when you and I are walking in opposite directions, towards each other, I go to my right, and you go to yours. How many times have you done the awkward slide, where you both meet, and then you both go one way, then you stop, then you both go the other way, then both of you gesture, and then finally you figure out it 4 hours later? I've done it too many times, and I would like for that shit to stop. If we all work to walk in a normal fashion, everything can go perfectly. Until I trip over these bullshit uneven sidewalks.

4) I know you want to see the campus, but you DON'T HAVE TO WALK SO SLOWLY.

I'm getting tired of this, and so are you. I'll bullet this one.

• You are not a student. Don't take up the awful sidewalks that students are paying to bust their asses on on a daily basis.
• You are not 18 months old. You can take steps larger than 6 inches. So DO IT.
• Take pictures, then walk. Don't wait for it to show up on the screen, and DO NOT admire your photo of the extremely hot freshman dorm (the dorms with vomit and awkward semen on every torn, uncomfortable bed) that you'll be living in and never leaving because nobody respects you because you're a cunt freshman.
• Get off the sidewalk when you're looking at the map trying to find the English department. You asshole. You're sitting on the steps of the English building right now.