How I interpret this Iranian crisis

There's a whole lot of shit to understand. I have three options: either watch the news and watch my dick fall off from boredom, read Twitter and watch my eyes fall out from people's sheer ignorance and stupidity, or skim through Wikipedia and look at pictures, charts, bold words, titles of things, and numbers.

I did the third.

There's no reason for me to sit in my house and watch protests in a country that seems to have nothing going for it, ever. Especially when I can watch the Nationals win their fourth straight. (They might actually be good.) Anyway, here is what I am getting from the Wikipedia article:

• Politics couldn't be more boring. There's a reason why old, rich, white men dominate - it's because they have no desire to do anything interesting, so they chill in politics.
• The hundred polls that they have are terrible and obviously have no credibility.
• Their electoral process is garbage. When you have a category for 'spoiled votes' and they account for about 1 out of every 50 votes, there's a major problem.
• Why don't you get some non-corrupt people to watch over the vote tallying? Maybe because if you tell the truth, you'll get capped, because every motherfucker and their kids in that country got an AK.

That's all I learned.

So this Mousavi dude got done dirty and this Ahmadinejad dude is getting flossed for no reason. So what do you do as a country, Iran? Do you suck it up like America did when Al Gore allegedly got dicked out of the presidency? Do you try to make it work and let the president know that you as a nation are going to work to make your place a better place?

Or do you run into the dirt roads and ack a azz on what ends up being national TV?

They did the third.

My very easy to answer question is: Am I missing something extremely important, am I being extremely insensitive and ethnocentric, or do none of these people have jobs?

I'm guessing the first, second, AND third.

And they say TV turns your brain into mush...

Cuntiness in the front, dykey in the back.

Bitch, my brain is on overdrive when I got the TV running. Thoughts pop into my head from all directions, kind of like penises into Paris Hilton's vagina (which will be referenced later in this post), or maybe like pins into a pincushion, for you people who have normal/nonperverted/nonchildish/evolved minds. It's not like I get my A Tale of Two Cities on, it's just a thought, maybe a wisecrack of some sort, and before, I've let them make their short appearance and then pass. Not this time. There were too many gems.

This all took place while I was flipping between ESPN and MTV. The national soccer team was playing Honduras on ESPN, an episode of True Life was on MTV, and I was eating Chinese food (roast pork fried rice to be exact, which I will be getting again before I leave this place and head back to school).

In no particular order:

• MTV is awful in the worst way. I would rather rub Paris Hilton's vagina (see, I used it) in my eyeball than watch 85% of their programming.
• If Twitterotica (Twitter + literotica) doesn't exist, it should - so that I can have something else to not give a rat's swollen left nut about.
• 99% of True Life episodes are trash.
• Bitch, your boobs are too big because you're 55 pounds overweight, not because you were born unlucky. You dumb bitch.
• The Nationals won. I guess they're only 99,999 games under .500 now.
• You have to be FUCKING kidding me. This enormous monstrosity of a yeti just said her large boobs (and please, stop calling them that, especially when you're talking to your moms [and isn't that an awkward conversation]) were turning guys off. What about your bad hairdo, your fat face, your triple chin, your arm flab, your gunt, your flat but still large and cottage cheesy ass, your thighs that make tree trunks jealous, your cankles, your fat feet which I assume you have, your bad clothes, your bad attitude, and your impudence.
• Apparently there's no delay of game in soccer. Why don't you take a knife, pop the ball, piss in it, and then put it back down. That would actually be quicker.
• 99% of American soccer fans are 'fans' because liking soccer means they're 'cultured.' Go lick culture's nutsack if you love it so much. (Licking the underside of a nutsack, to me, is a better display of affection than anything you could ever do, ever.)
• "A Milli" sucks.
• Fenway Park is the most poorly built thing I have ever seen or even heard about. The Ford Pinto laughs at the construction of Fenway Park.
• If you don't hate the Red Sox, that's something we don't have in common.
• If you don't want to mass murder the Red Sox fans that have no ties to Boston, or even Massachusetts, or even the East Coast north of Ellicott City, Maryland, and never watched baseball before they won the World Series, leap in front of a bullet train.
• 99% of soccer players would probably bleed out and die an agonizingly painful death if somebody ACTUALLY FOULED THEM. YOU AREN'T HURT, GET THE FUCK UP, YOU PUSSY. YOU MAKE YOU ENTIRE COUNTRY LOOK LIKE MISERABLE CUNTS WHEN YOU CRY FROM BEING HURT, BUT NOT THE FOR REAL HURT. THE FOR FAKE HURT.
• MTV should have a reverse parental control, since that whole channel is not suitable for anybody under 21.
• When a bacterium multiplies, a soccer player falls down in the penalty box. A fly burping would be grounds for a penalty kick.
• The only person who hears as much inane SHIT as a soccer ref is Jon of Jon & Kate Plus 8. It should be Jon & Kate's Cunty Hairdo Plus 8. The hair doesn't look good, and I assume the rug matches the drapes.
• Listen to this for as long as you can. If you don't slit your wrists after 5.72 seconds, you're a better person than I am.
  

Nancy Grace

Nancy Grace, you are the CUNT OF ALL CUNTS. I know girls don't like when people say that, but sometimes you earn your title. If you have no aim in life and you leech off people, you're a bum, and there's no reason to sugarcoat it. If you mess around with young children, you're a kid-toucher, a pedophile, a creep. So why can't I call a woman that has less use in the world than a half-brown Q-Tip a cunt? I could call her a cum dumpster, a bitch, a vagina with a mouth, a useless woman, a stay-at-home twat, or anything like that. I choose cunt, and if you don't like it, suck eggs.

Also, McGraw Milhaven is in my top 10 for favorite people I've never heard of.

LeBron vs. Kobe

This is gonna be a short one, because I'm not that happy about that ending to the game. He's really, really, ridiculously good at basketball, but the Magic did what the Pistons and Hawks couldn't do: Play like they had seen a basketball before for longer than a 3 minute stretch. The Cavs are human (which was obvious except for the LeBron the Decepticon, which I assume is a robot) and Orlando stole a game from the sacred Quicken Loans Arena (awful name). However, this isn't a sports blog, even though I will be comparing LeBron and Kobe like everybody else everywhere. This comparison will have almost nothing to do about basketball, so fasten your seatbelts, because it's the law.

1) Championship Rings - Kobe 3, LeBron, 0...Nothing to say here.

2) Kobe had 81 points in a game. LeBron hogs the ball as much as he can and still hasn't done that.

3) Kobe drafted lower than LeBron...that could go either way...

4) LeBron screams at his mother, probably every day. Newsflash, she brought you into this world, and she can take you right out. However, I laughed my ass off about that.

5) King James, meh. BLACK MAMBA. THIS KOBE GUY IS AFRICAN AND LONG...and venomous

6) Highschools in PA and OH. They both lose points here.

7) Kobe made music, LeBron made that Kid N Play commercial. Those lost points from #7 get made up here.

8) Kobe made game winning shots all day. LeBron made his first game-winning shot against the Golden State Warriors this year. That's my favorite team. SO FUCK YOU.

9) I consider LeBron to be like the really tall 11 year old with facial hair that was playing against the prepubescent Pokemon card collecting, snot-nosed brats that were 4-10 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter. You're just a basketball bully in that case. Kobe on the other hand, is a skilled individual that blends in well, except for his skill (read: skee-eel).

BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPARISON...

10) White girls from Colorado railed out: Kobe 1 (or more!!!), LeBron (probably 0).

And therefore, Kobe Bryant is super fresh and his swag is so official.

Hit me on Twitter, look out for my album.

Oh, and if you have any other good comparisons going either way, post them in the comments section of this post or in that box to the right. -->

Eminem's Relapse

Have you ever had sex with a Cambodian hooker only to find out she was a he and he was black? That's what listening to this album is like except there is more bass and bad singing. On the whole though, this was not bad.

Rating: 3/5

It's not that hard...

In the past few weeks, as the weather has begun to change and people are outside more, it seems like they don't remember how to walk outside in public. I have come to notice a bunch of different things that people do outside that shows they can't conduct themselves correctly in public. I will go into detail with them here, and you tell me whether or not these sound like they make sense.

1) Get the fuck out of the middle of the fucking sidewalk.

People don't understand that standing in the middle of the sidewalk and being 4 feet apart from each other isn't acceptable. You're making yourselves look like asses and you're embarrassing the entire human population when you block off more than half of a six foot wide sidewalk. You're bitches, and if i ever see you doing it again, I'm walking in between you, and I'll be leading a train in between your conversation that is SO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you had to immediately stop and run your mouths about how awful you did on your last test. Get over yourself, bitch - you got an 83. You're making it all about you, and even though it looks like you might have your own orbit, you fat annoying bitch, the Earth does not revolve around you. Go leap off the top step of an escalator, because there's no way this bitch or her bitch friend are taking the stairs. And if they did, you won't be able to get around them unless the staircase is a hundred feet across. Makes me want to just chokeslam a bitch.

2) The fucking sidewalk does not belong to you and your fucking friends. Get in a fucking line.

For some reason, half of the students at this godforsaken college jog 12 miles a day, 8 days a week. I'm not talking shit about you jogging, I wish I had the discipline to run as often as a lot of these people do. And I'm sure running with your friends or teammates makes it easier, which I have no problem with. It's when you and 20 of your jogmates run down a 2 people sidewalk and make me have to walk off the sidewalk and straight into oncoming traffic. But that's not the main problem, because you can't really find good places to run around here with 20 people, so I don't get that angry about that. It's when you, your slow, homely, quasi-lesbian girlfriend (but only when she's drunk off 2 beers and a shot that it took her 30 minutes to finish), and her quasi-lesbian lover (yeah, bet you didn't know that about the love of your life) all decide to run down a sidewalk and there's obviously grass on one side, and I'm all the way on the right being courteous, and then Leann the Lezzie starts sprinting right at me. Then I have to move, or else I get the carpetmucher knuckle sandwich. I don't know where those knuckles have been, and I really, REALLY, don't want to. So I move. Bitch, go to my left, get on the grass, get behind somebody for 5 seconds (oh, the horror), or prepare for the Terry Tate smackdown.

3) It's called the "right" side for a reason.

Don't walk on the left side of anything. This isn't London, Australia, or some other bizarro world that you might live in. This is the United States of America where we do things right, on the right. We drive on the right, we write with our right hands (the normal ones do), and so on and so forth. So when you and I are walking in opposite directions, towards each other, I go to my right, and you go to yours. How many times have you done the awkward slide, where you both meet, and then you both go one way, then you stop, then you both go the other way, then both of you gesture, and then finally you figure out it 4 hours later? I've done it too many times, and I would like for that shit to stop. If we all work to walk in a normal fashion, everything can go perfectly. Until I trip over these bullshit uneven sidewalks.

4) I know you want to see the campus, but you DON'T HAVE TO WALK SO SLOWLY.

I'm getting tired of this, and so are you. I'll bullet this one.

• You are not a student. Don't take up the awful sidewalks that students are paying to bust their asses on on a daily basis.
• You are not 18 months old. You can take steps larger than 6 inches. So DO IT.
• Take pictures, then walk. Don't wait for it to show up on the screen, and DO NOT admire your photo of the extremely hot freshman dorm (the dorms with vomit and awkward semen on every torn, uncomfortable bed) that you'll be living in and never leaving because nobody respects you because you're a cunt freshman.
• Get off the sidewalk when you're looking at the map trying to find the English department. You asshole. You're sitting on the steps of the English building right now.

MORE LIKE RICHMOND INTERNATIONAL UNFAIRPORT

THE ABOVE PICTURE IS NOT PHOTOSHOPPED.

At the time of this writing I am sitting, waiting for my flight at Richmond International Airport, more commonly known as "RIA" or "hell". I hate the airport for many reasons, not the least of which it shares the whole "this is cheap...just fucking kidding" element that the zoo has. For instance, entrance to the zoo is free, but if you would like to buy a MAP (that's right, BUY a MAP, the shit most other places shove in your face for free), it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg ($1) and your firstborn son to park ($20) if you want to stay there for over 3 minutes. Don't even get me started on trying to buy food or gifts at the zoo, that doesn't exist for me.

Imagine all that, only you're getting on a vehicle piloted by a guy who hates his job that will probably crash and you spent 600 dollars for the pleasure of getting your anal cavity searched for drugs before you even stepped on the vessel of death they call a "plane".

I'M NOT EVEN GETTING STARTED YET.

That would all be fine, because they let you know beforehand about everything you're paying for, and only complete idiot tools like me fly anywhere now, so I deserve it. What really blows is everything they don't tell you you have to suffer at the airport, which I have enumerated below (with the costs):

1) If you want to carry anything with you, it will cost you 15 american dollars. We had two bags.

RUNNING TOTAL: $30

That'll teach me to bring clothes when I'm going somewhere.

2) You have to get to the airport approximately one week before your plane arrives, so you have to buy something to drink in the main seating area. Plus, you're already tired and pissed because you hate flying and yourself, so it has to be something delicious. There's either 40 Caribou coffees or Starbucks at any given airport (depending on which CEO is blowing the head of management), so you need to stay awake before they murder you for being a terrorist.

I don't care if that makes sense.

2 small (!!!!) coffees: $9.05

RUNNING TOTAL: $39.05

3) Security blows. No one is a bad person in the world, and there is science to prove this fact. I am a stupid college student, there is no reason for me to even walk through a metal detector. Now Richmond is actually kinda good in this respect, since they are much friendlier than Dulles (turn around and drop your pants), the people are nice when they scan your ID with a blacklight, when they mark up your boarding pass, when they yell at you for having a cell phone (yeah why the fuck would you have a cell phone, idiot), and then make you walk through the damn thing fourteen times while they throw your girlfriend in the cube of interrogation for "random selection". MY ASS. SHE'S HOT, YOU SICK OLD MAN. Pervert.

RUNNING TOTAL: $39.05, my dignity, my girlfriend's right to privacy (as granted in the Constitution of the United States of America).

4) Food. Food. Food. I used to like eating at the airpoort (yeah, not a typo) because I didn't have to pay for anything, and the fact that the mini T.G.I. Fridays tasted like chicken ass didn't matter a shit. So there's one place to eat, and they have no food. Awesome. There's a bar next to it, and their menu is, SHOCKER, the same as the resturant next door. When we order food, the waitress GOES NEXT DOOR AND GETS THE FOOD FROM THAT RESTURANT. HOLY SHIT. We almost ordered some alcohol, but there was no price and we didn't wanna get shafted.

Oops, too late. You ordered something already. Shaft inc.

We got a "turkey sandwich" and a "chipotle wrap". What this was in actuality was two pieces of toast with some cheese(?) inbetween and a bag of chips. The wrap had turket and lettuce in the middle, no chipotle anything, and a kraft packet of ranch dressing on the side.

Normally, two thumbs up. You wanna be lazy with your food, that's fine. I eat on campus, and the people who serve me food on a daily basis hate their job, hate me, and hate themselves, so I'm used to it. This is where things get out of control, though.

Tab: $17.34. What...the fuck..was I thinking. There's a reason the price was half covered-up on their ghetto ass menus. Not to mention the one barmaid who was assigned to all two dozen patrons (and was so old she was probably fucked by a dinosaur) didn't come get our check until I practically stood up and asked her if I had to pay. She then didn't take my credit card until I did it again, but...shocker, again...had time to play grab-ass with some kids sitting next to us. I gave her a baller 3 dollar tip, too. I'm Barack Jesus F. Kennedy Christ.

RUNNING TOTAL: $59.39

5) This is where shit gets real. I was pissed, but up until now I had pretty much brought all of this upon myself by being retarded and flying. I was going to try and salvage the situation by getting some candy to drown my fat ass sorrows away, so I went to pick up some Swedish Fish from the Newstand/Magazine stand/Candy Shop/Adult Film Store across from the bar. There was no price tag, so I assumed they were free. The fat bitch at the front charged me 3.75 for them, though. I could just care less at this point, and I figured if three seventy five could erase all the bad memories , it would be worth it. Lo and behold, when I opened the bag and devoured the first fish, it was stale and tasteless. Okay, that was the first one, fine. I tried another. And another. And another. All these fucking fish were stale. I kept thinking the next one wouldn't be, but I kept on getting disappointed.

That's right. This goddamn airport is so bad it successfully corrupted the one holy and pure thing in the entire universe.

RUNNING TOTAL: $63.14, my faith in a higher power.

I AM BEYOND FURIOUS RIGHT NOW. THE WOMAN JUST ANNOUNCED OUR FLIGHT IS DELAYED.

So.

There is one good thing that could come of all this. We are going to Atlanta for a crossover onto another plane that will take us into the anus of the United States (St. Louis). If I am to believe the rap songs I cherish so dearly, the moment we arrive in the duurty souff we will be greeted Lil Jon, the Eastside boys, and all the alcohol and partying we could ever want. I think that this might make us break even.

I will report from Atlanta sometime in the next four hours, hopefully. Maybe we'll just crash and get this over with.

I just remembered I have a test on tuesday.

Oh yeah, wanna know what I'm going to St. Louis for? My grandfather's funeral.

This is the best day ever.