MORE LIKE RICHMOND INTERNATIONAL UNFAIRPORT

THE ABOVE PICTURE IS NOT PHOTOSHOPPED.

At the time of this writing I am sitting, waiting for my flight at Richmond International Airport, more commonly known as "RIA" or "hell". I hate the airport for many reasons, not the least of which it shares the whole "this is cheap...just fucking kidding" element that the zoo has. For instance, entrance to the zoo is free, but if you would like to buy a MAP (that's right, BUY a MAP, the shit most other places shove in your face for free), it's gonna cost you an arm and a leg ($1) and your firstborn son to park ($20) if you want to stay there for over 3 minutes. Don't even get me started on trying to buy food or gifts at the zoo, that doesn't exist for me.

Imagine all that, only you're getting on a vehicle piloted by a guy who hates his job that will probably crash and you spent 600 dollars for the pleasure of getting your anal cavity searched for drugs before you even stepped on the vessel of death they call a "plane".

I'M NOT EVEN GETTING STARTED YET.

That would all be fine, because they let you know beforehand about everything you're paying for, and only complete idiot tools like me fly anywhere now, so I deserve it. What really blows is everything they don't tell you you have to suffer at the airport, which I have enumerated below (with the costs):

1) If you want to carry anything with you, it will cost you 15 american dollars. We had two bags.

RUNNING TOTAL: $30

That'll teach me to bring clothes when I'm going somewhere.

2) You have to get to the airport approximately one week before your plane arrives, so you have to buy something to drink in the main seating area. Plus, you're already tired and pissed because you hate flying and yourself, so it has to be something delicious. There's either 40 Caribou coffees or Starbucks at any given airport (depending on which CEO is blowing the head of management), so you need to stay awake before they murder you for being a terrorist.

I don't care if that makes sense.

2 small (!!!!) coffees: $9.05

RUNNING TOTAL: $39.05

3) Security blows. No one is a bad person in the world, and there is science to prove this fact. I am a stupid college student, there is no reason for me to even walk through a metal detector. Now Richmond is actually kinda good in this respect, since they are much friendlier than Dulles (turn around and drop your pants), the people are nice when they scan your ID with a blacklight, when they mark up your boarding pass, when they yell at you for having a cell phone (yeah why the fuck would you have a cell phone, idiot), and then make you walk through the damn thing fourteen times while they throw your girlfriend in the cube of interrogation for "random selection". MY ASS. SHE'S HOT, YOU SICK OLD MAN. Pervert.

RUNNING TOTAL: $39.05, my dignity, my girlfriend's right to privacy (as granted in the Constitution of the United States of America).

4) Food. Food. Food. I used to like eating at the airpoort (yeah, not a typo) because I didn't have to pay for anything, and the fact that the mini T.G.I. Fridays tasted like chicken ass didn't matter a shit. So there's one place to eat, and they have no food. Awesome. There's a bar next to it, and their menu is, SHOCKER, the same as the resturant next door. When we order food, the waitress GOES NEXT DOOR AND GETS THE FOOD FROM THAT RESTURANT. HOLY SHIT. We almost ordered some alcohol, but there was no price and we didn't wanna get shafted.

Oops, too late. You ordered something already. Shaft inc.

We got a "turkey sandwich" and a "chipotle wrap". What this was in actuality was two pieces of toast with some cheese(?) inbetween and a bag of chips. The wrap had turket and lettuce in the middle, no chipotle anything, and a kraft packet of ranch dressing on the side.

Normally, two thumbs up. You wanna be lazy with your food, that's fine. I eat on campus, and the people who serve me food on a daily basis hate their job, hate me, and hate themselves, so I'm used to it. This is where things get out of control, though.

Tab: $17.34. What...the fuck..was I thinking. There's a reason the price was half covered-up on their ghetto ass menus. Not to mention the one barmaid who was assigned to all two dozen patrons (and was so old she was probably fucked by a dinosaur) didn't come get our check until I practically stood up and asked her if I had to pay. She then didn't take my credit card until I did it again, but...shocker, again...had time to play grab-ass with some kids sitting next to us. I gave her a baller 3 dollar tip, too. I'm Barack Jesus F. Kennedy Christ.

RUNNING TOTAL: $59.39

5) This is where shit gets real. I was pissed, but up until now I had pretty much brought all of this upon myself by being retarded and flying. I was going to try and salvage the situation by getting some candy to drown my fat ass sorrows away, so I went to pick up some Swedish Fish from the Newstand/Magazine stand/Candy Shop/Adult Film Store across from the bar. There was no price tag, so I assumed they were free. The fat bitch at the front charged me 3.75 for them, though. I could just care less at this point, and I figured if three seventy five could erase all the bad memories , it would be worth it. Lo and behold, when I opened the bag and devoured the first fish, it was stale and tasteless. Okay, that was the first one, fine. I tried another. And another. And another. All these fucking fish were stale. I kept thinking the next one wouldn't be, but I kept on getting disappointed.

That's right. This goddamn airport is so bad it successfully corrupted the one holy and pure thing in the entire universe.

RUNNING TOTAL: $63.14, my faith in a higher power.

I AM BEYOND FURIOUS RIGHT NOW. THE WOMAN JUST ANNOUNCED OUR FLIGHT IS DELAYED.

So.

There is one good thing that could come of all this. We are going to Atlanta for a crossover onto another plane that will take us into the anus of the United States (St. Louis). If I am to believe the rap songs I cherish so dearly, the moment we arrive in the duurty souff we will be greeted Lil Jon, the Eastside boys, and all the alcohol and partying we could ever want. I think that this might make us break even.

I will report from Atlanta sometime in the next four hours, hopefully. Maybe we'll just crash and get this over with.

I just remembered I have a test on tuesday.

Oh yeah, wanna know what I'm going to St. Louis for? My grandfather's funeral.

This is the best day ever.