Damn, I'm on a floppin' spree...

Realer than the Crackheads Gone Wild documentary.

Lamer than that one president with the Polio.

Sadder than the Detroit Lions' 2008 season (I did this picture).

From Hip Hop Galaxy (I had to do a lot of grammar-fixing in this article):

Who debuted #1 on Billboard’s Rap Albums Charts? Plies with his third solo album Da REAList selling a solid 114,600 units and featuring Ashanti and Sean Garrett...After a campaign telling everybody that he would sell a million albums in the first week, Soulja Boy only manages to enter the charts at #4 with his
second album iSouljaBoyTellEm moving only 45,500 units despite appearances from Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo.

Many things here make me happy. I'll name them and then tell you why they're great.

Plies debuted at #1 (for rap). Plies is my second favorite rapper, only behind Yo Gotti (the stand-in for Gucci Mane). Now 114,600 isn't as good as a million, like Lil Wayne got that week that Plies released Definition of Real. Still, he did better than the next best selling rap album that was a new entry.

Soulja Boy's CD moved 45,500 units. That's just over 40% of Plies' first week albums sold. Fine, that's ok. We're in a recession, and nobody buys any music anymore. However, that's UNDER 5% of his estimated totals of 1 million albums sold. Asshole. You got pretty close. Just think. If you said, "I'm gonna run a marathon today," and you have the success of Soulja Boy, you would go just over 1 mile. That SUCKS. Real bad.

Hey Soulja Boy, remember "Crank That"? Yeah, that was a real nice time. Don't worry though, you still did better than V.I.C., of "Get Silly" fame, because his CD, Beast released like 20,000. Ever. Awful. Fuck.

They also mentioned Gucci Mane and Shawty Lo, and I fuck with both of them.

Last thing I wanted to say was that Paper Trail and Theater of the Mind beat iSouljaBoyTellEm - this week. Paper Trail came out about three months ago and is still selling more than Soulja Boy's shit. Theater of the Mind came out about a month ago and I assume that "One More Drink" got big and made that CD sell more. Soulja Boy might want to fix that beef with T-Pain and stop putting Sammie on your singles. Sammie? Bitch, who the fuck are you. Punk bitch. Go die somewhere.

An Interim Favorite Rapper Is Crowned

The votes are in. And the winner of "Who Wants to be Chris' favorite rapper until Gucci Mane gets out?" is...

Yo Gotti.

"Cocaine Muzik" is the mixtape of the century.

Here's the thing - when I was looking for a favorite artist, I wanted somebody who was like Gucci Mane, but not copying him. Nobody likes some punk ass prick who's jockin' yo' swag. Just ask Rocko. Or T.I., or Jay-Z, or Kanye West, or to a lesser extent, Lil Wayne. Gucci Mane has no swagger, so that shouldn't be a problem. Bla, bla, bla. Basically, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should use as criteria.

I settled on three main ones: enjoyability, amount of music I have by them, and similarity to Gucci Mane.

I toyed with Plies, Lil' Wayne, T-Pain, Yung Joc, Shawty L-O, and a few other useless people, but nobody is as similar to Gucci Mane as Yo Gotti, IMHO.

Plies is extremely funny, and he's so real, but he's my #2 favorite. I want to start listening to somebody who I barely payed attention to. T-Pain is a great guy, but more than half his shit is R&B. Lil' Wayne almost has too much shit, and I mean, he's everybody else's favorite rapper, and I don't usually like to like something just because everybody else likes it. (See Superbad and movies like that, Will Ferrell and other douches like that, the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Cowboys, watching movies, Lost and shows like that, etc.) That's just me. So I like him, but I won't cream myself over him. Yung Joc doesn't make enough music - or maybe he does, but I don't see it. I wanna be able to listen to a CD a week and be able to hear new shit for 3 months before I run out. Shawty Lo. Even I, who loves him when apparently nobody else does, can get tired of him kinda quick.

So we move on to Yo Gotti. I like him a lot. Mostly because it seems like he's best friends with Gucci Mane. Two birds, one stone. So it's only how much music I have of him. The best thing is that since Yo Gotti & Gucci Mane are good friends, I can listen to Gucci Mane and Yo Gotti all the time because they're featured on each other's shit all the time. I got a lot of Gucci, I got a lot of Gotti. I got more mixtapes of him, and there's more of them out there that I can go pick up or something.

And there you have it. Yo Gotti is my man until October 2009, or when Gucci gets off on parole or something.

June 10th, 2008 - Day-Long Boner

TUESDAY, JUNE TENTH, TWO THOUSAND EIGHT - revisited

Lil Wayne - "Tha Carter III"

Possibly the biggest album of the year. Definitely the biggest album (most hyped, most awaited, all that shit) of the week. But somehow, it was only my third favorite album of the week. It fell behind Plies' "Definition of Real" and Keak Da Sneak's "Deified." I decided to listen to this one in my car, because I felt like this was meant to be listened to while doing something enjoyable, and I love driving more than a lot of things. No track-by-track listing here, I can just say that a few songs are good, none made my dick tear through my pants, and a few were unlistenable. However, that's only really an issue if you listen to selected songs. Let the CD play and you're all good, just enjoy the experience. Not terrible, not great, above mediocre. Any other week, this would be the best album of the week. On Tuesday, June 10th, 2008, that's only good enough for the bronze medal.





Plies - "Definition of Real"

"Went to sleep real, woke up realer / Goon affiliated, ex-drug dealer." Plies. Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, what am I going to do with you? Plies, I love you (no homo). I would tickle your perineum until you jizzed, and I'd yank your hog until you let go all over my face (no homo). That may be a bit much, but I do enjoy his work. He's so real. He can talk about hiding in your bushes, then talk about making you squirt like Cytheria on the very next track. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty real man (say it again, y'all). The CD has no terrible songs. Some are sub-par (which I think means below average, even though sub-par means under par, which is great...whatever), some are aight, and some ("Who Hotter Than Me", "Dat Bitch", "SHIT BAG"!!!!) are 10s out of 10 in my book. This CD is pretty solid in my eyes, and is quite similar to "The Real Testament" in that both CDs are terrific. DoR, however, was not nearly as terrific as...



Keak Da Sneak - Deified


Damn. This may be the first CD that had no songs that I hated. Some I didn't like all that much, but they were few and far between. Quarterbackin is in my top 25 songs of all time, and I'll need to remember that when the Neighborhood Bully gets big enough to have a countdown on BET's weekend programming of my top 25 of all time.


Some bitch just drove by playing "Crank That (Soulja Boy)." Today. July 22nd, 2008. Nearly a year after the song reached its peak. Over a year since the song was released. I hate S-Beezy. SOOOOOOO MUCH.


Anyway, back to Keak, the King of the Super Dooper Hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy(and your wifey, she don't like me like me like me like me like me). He's the man. I don't know what the fuck else to say, other than this CD is in my top 10 all-time, maybe top 5. The songs haven't gotten old, and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Will Ferrell's bitchassness will be addressed in the next post, don't you worry.