Service from my Stylist

Durrrr dear reader,

I needed a haircut. So I went down to this Chinese place; the business wasn't really a barbershop, but more of a salon. Regardless, the price for a man's haircut was cheap. It was a Tuesday. The girl who offered to cut my hair was aight. She was skinny and had nice boobs. She looked something like the breezy in this image to the left. BOOM. Anyway, she started trimming the sides and I asked if she would blow me. She said sure, but no kissing on the mouth. In the end, I made out with her and got up in her. Things like this should happen more often.

PS who would get more pussy? Ellen playing rugby or Keith Olbermann outside of an abortion clinic?

I think I messed up. No wonder my aunt touches me inappropriately. I deserve it.

An Interim Favorite Rapper Is Crowned

The votes are in. And the winner of "Who Wants to be Chris' favorite rapper until Gucci Mane gets out?" is...

Yo Gotti.

"Cocaine Muzik" is the mixtape of the century.

Here's the thing - when I was looking for a favorite artist, I wanted somebody who was like Gucci Mane, but not copying him. Nobody likes some punk ass prick who's jockin' yo' swag. Just ask Rocko. Or T.I., or Jay-Z, or Kanye West, or to a lesser extent, Lil Wayne. Gucci Mane has no swagger, so that shouldn't be a problem. Bla, bla, bla. Basically, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should use as criteria.

I settled on three main ones: enjoyability, amount of music I have by them, and similarity to Gucci Mane.

I toyed with Plies, Lil' Wayne, T-Pain, Yung Joc, Shawty L-O, and a few other useless people, but nobody is as similar to Gucci Mane as Yo Gotti, IMHO.

Plies is extremely funny, and he's so real, but he's my #2 favorite. I want to start listening to somebody who I barely payed attention to. T-Pain is a great guy, but more than half his shit is R&B. Lil' Wayne almost has too much shit, and I mean, he's everybody else's favorite rapper, and I don't usually like to like something just because everybody else likes it. (See Superbad and movies like that, Will Ferrell and other douches like that, the Red Sox, the Patriots, the Cowboys, watching movies, Lost and shows like that, etc.) That's just me. So I like him, but I won't cream myself over him. Yung Joc doesn't make enough music - or maybe he does, but I don't see it. I wanna be able to listen to a CD a week and be able to hear new shit for 3 months before I run out. Shawty Lo. Even I, who loves him when apparently nobody else does, can get tired of him kinda quick.

So we move on to Yo Gotti. I like him a lot. Mostly because it seems like he's best friends with Gucci Mane. Two birds, one stone. So it's only how much music I have of him. The best thing is that since Yo Gotti & Gucci Mane are good friends, I can listen to Gucci Mane and Yo Gotti all the time because they're featured on each other's shit all the time. I got a lot of Gucci, I got a lot of Gotti. I got more mixtapes of him, and there's more of them out there that I can go pick up or something.

And there you have it. Yo Gotti is my man until October 2009, or when Gucci gets off on parole or something.

June 10th, 2008 - Day-Long Boner

TUESDAY, JUNE TENTH, TWO THOUSAND EIGHT - revisited

Lil Wayne - "Tha Carter III"

Possibly the biggest album of the year. Definitely the biggest album (most hyped, most awaited, all that shit) of the week. But somehow, it was only my third favorite album of the week. It fell behind Plies' "Definition of Real" and Keak Da Sneak's "Deified." I decided to listen to this one in my car, because I felt like this was meant to be listened to while doing something enjoyable, and I love driving more than a lot of things. No track-by-track listing here, I can just say that a few songs are good, none made my dick tear through my pants, and a few were unlistenable. However, that's only really an issue if you listen to selected songs. Let the CD play and you're all good, just enjoy the experience. Not terrible, not great, above mediocre. Any other week, this would be the best album of the week. On Tuesday, June 10th, 2008, that's only good enough for the bronze medal.





Plies - "Definition of Real"

"Went to sleep real, woke up realer / Goon affiliated, ex-drug dealer." Plies. Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, Plies, what am I going to do with you? Plies, I love you (no homo). I would tickle your perineum until you jizzed, and I'd yank your hog until you let go all over my face (no homo). That may be a bit much, but I do enjoy his work. He's so real. He can talk about hiding in your bushes, then talk about making you squirt like Cytheria on the very next track. What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty real man (say it again, y'all). The CD has no terrible songs. Some are sub-par (which I think means below average, even though sub-par means under par, which is great...whatever), some are aight, and some ("Who Hotter Than Me", "Dat Bitch", "SHIT BAG"!!!!) are 10s out of 10 in my book. This CD is pretty solid in my eyes, and is quite similar to "The Real Testament" in that both CDs are terrific. DoR, however, was not nearly as terrific as...



Keak Da Sneak - Deified


Damn. This may be the first CD that had no songs that I hated. Some I didn't like all that much, but they were few and far between. Quarterbackin is in my top 25 songs of all time, and I'll need to remember that when the Neighborhood Bully gets big enough to have a countdown on BET's weekend programming of my top 25 of all time.


Some bitch just drove by playing "Crank That (Soulja Boy)." Today. July 22nd, 2008. Nearly a year after the song reached its peak. Over a year since the song was released. I hate S-Beezy. SOOOOOOO MUCH.


Anyway, back to Keak, the King of the Super Dooper Hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy hyphy(and your wifey, she don't like me like me like me like me like me). He's the man. I don't know what the fuck else to say, other than this CD is in my top 10 all-time, maybe top 5. The songs haven't gotten old, and I don't see that happening anytime soon.

Will Ferrell's bitchassness will be addressed in the next post, don't you worry.