My Life Could End Now...

...and I'd be OK with that. Well, it can end when I try these sandwiches. I don't know what else to say about them. I found out about them on one of my favorite blogs, TheFukerton.com, which is run by one of the hosts of my favorite radio show, the Big O and Dukes Show on WJFK 106.7FM. Why not give credit where credit is due? Anyway, here's the descriptions of the 4 $4.99 subs:

Philly Cheese Steak: steak, American and provolone cheeses, with fresh onions, green peppers and mushrooms.

Italian: slices of pepperoni, Genoa salami, ham, provolone cheese, banana peppers, fresh green peppers and onions.

Chicken Parm: seasoned all-white meat chicken breast, tomato basil marinara, parmesan-asiago and provolone cheeses.

Chicken Bacon Ranch: seasoned all-white meat chicken breast, bacon, creamy ranch dressing and provolone cheese.

I'll tell you what ingredient I wanna add to one of those Chicken Baoon Ranch sandwiches. Actually, I won't...I think you know.

The Olympics

-- Eat shit, Michael Phelps. --

I'm back in school and this year is going to be bigger and blacker like Chris Rock's comedy extraordinaire, "Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker." Just moved in (a day earlier than most upperclassmen) and everything went well.

Things I left at home:

-Alarm clock (SHIT)

-Fan

-Silverware

-That spray that makes stank go away

...and I realized that there's a cable jack in my room so I could have brought my TV and watched that instead of being stuck listening to Gucci Mane and blogging. I'll have to find other people that are in town now.

Anyway, if you saw the picture at the top of the screen, you'll recognize that face. No, it's not Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame. No, it's not ET. Hahaha, you silly goose, that's not somebody doing a Fire Marshal Bill impression. That's the douche piece of shit assbag tool shitcake Michael Phelps who takes it in the ass when he's not wearing his Speedos. Some of you may call him an American hero. I like to save that title for people who aren't swimming laps when kids are being molested or pregnant women are in burning buildings.

Let's take a poll of 100 people. We'll ask a few questions about the Olympics and see how people feel.

1) Do you care about the Olympics?

-Yes: 53

-No: 46

-Like I care about Amy Winehouse's dental bills: 1 (that's my vote)

2) Did you watch the Olympics for the hot athletes?

-Yes: 39

-No: 60

-Of course, because I've never heard of PORN BEFORE! FUCK!: 1

3) Is Michael Phelps an American hero?

-Yes: 18

-No: 81

-Michael Phelps? Oh, he was one of the guys that steered that plane into that field on September 11th. Wait, he wasn't? Oh: 1

4) Did you care about swimming between the 2004 Olympics and now?

-Yes: 9

-No: 90

-Why do they have swimming on TV?: 1

5) How long do you think Michael Phelps will be in the news?

-Less than 2 weeks: 37

-2 weeks - 1 month: 29

-More than a month: 27

-Hopefully for another 15 minutes or less: 7 (hey look, more people agree with me here)

6) Will you watch more swimming after the Olympics because of this?

-Yes: 22

-No: 0

-FUCK NO: 78

Now for my color commentary on these questions.

1) Hey, I know the Olympics were a huge deal way back when we were fighting with people left and right. But now we're really not angry at many countries that matter in the Olympics, so there's not really that. So then why try super hard to beat other countries. There aren't really any rivalries. And for the people that let us know that China was trying to get those medals and win the Olympics, fine, let them. Let them think they "won" the Olympics (how the fuck do you win?). Also, I think we got them beat in a few other categories. There aren't people living on top of people. We can walk without having to push the thick black air out of the way. We don't have a billion people in here. We treat (most of) our citizens right. Point is, the Cold War is over.

2) I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat. That's for the gymnastics watchers. You know they're all 8th graders. All of them. Volleyball, fine, whatever. Any other sport, you know she has a huge clit from the HGH and the cream and the clear. Horny now?

3)From wikipedia.org: The hero is traditionally at least two Italian meats and provolone cheese on a small or half loaf of crusty Italian bread with roasted peppers, vinegar, olive oil, and lettuce. It is a pork-based sandwich; popular meat choices include ham, prosciutto, pepperoni, capicola, mortadella and salami. Looks like Michael Phelps isn't really a hero.

4) Those 9 people who voted yes were his teammates. That's the only explanation.

5) He'll be famous until another 1398 non-white kids go missing, a whole bunch of white boys get abducted, and one white girl gets drunk and fucks the wrong guy in Aruba and gets press for a decade.

6) The poll's credibility has to be questioned because apparently there's 22 liars.

So have fun watching the Olympics. All I know is I'm watching the closing ceremony, because then I'll know it's over. I'll have closure.

---------------

"I'm the first third grader wit a felony"

-Gucci Mane, "Two Thangs"

A Nice Cellphone

http://www.zshare.net/audio/3797395a99fb6a/
(As much as I hate Soulja Boy now, I still love this song like my firstborn. Hopefully I never have a child.)

That song is about his extremely expensive phone. His Sidekick, a phone that does little more than a high-end cellphone that I could pull out of Verizon's ass for like $100.

You have a screen that's as big as a business card. GREAT!!! I'm sure the Super Bowl would look great on that. I'm sure texting on that is a bigger event than the Last Supper, you piece of shit.

Your phone has a keyboard. OOOOOOO!!! What's a keyboard? Damn, I wish there were keyboards somewhere else. WAIT!! They're on COMPUTERS!!! Can you not wait half an hour to get to a computer? No? Oh. OK then, at least I know to NEVER think of you as somebody normal again. EVER.

Internet access? Damn. perezhilton.com must be bombass on a screen the size of my now empty debit card, if not smaller.

YOU CAN FLIP THE SCREEN UP!!! Holy shit! At least the United States isn't falling apart at the seams. People are losing their homes left and right and you have a phone you can flip up. Your phone just becomes BIGGER. Your phone takes up a lot of space. You are a waste of space and so is your phone. Come to think of it, you and your phone are great together.

Die.

iPhone users:

Your phone looks like an iPod. And it really sucks as a phone.

Your phone has 39,874 applications. Facebook has about that many applications, and just look at how many FUCKING people think that those things are the work of Lucifer.

LOOK AT MY iPHONE!!! You have a shirt that says "iHave an iPhone 3G", your shit is out 24/8, you talk about it more often than that, and yet you still wear tighty-whiteys and don't know what the walls of a uterus feel like. Still think you're the man?

---

Look, this post wasn't aimed at the people who have their phones and enjoy them TO THEMSELVES. It's for the people that think they have Fort Knox's contents in their hairy palm (you know why it's hairy). You text, you talk, and you go on the internet. Any phone made after the Vietnam War can do that. Your phone looks like a toaster, mine looks like a small stick of deodorant. Yours was $500, mine was $14.99. People start conversati0ns with you about your cool phone and then leave when they realize you're a pompous maniac.

And you think you're the shit.

A Pre-Prepared Meal

If you're wondering what happened, I was involved in a minor crash that turned major when I realized that the part I fucked up was worth almost as much as the car. That meant that that car was T-O-T-A-L-E-D...totaled. No big story, it was my fault, I wasn't aware of my surroundings, I ran a stop sign that I thought wasn't there, and BANG!!! $600 (towing fees) gone. New car fees (otherwise known as the cost) to be determined. Thankfully, my parents see what I'm going through, they realize that I've been working hard, and they plan on helping me get a new one. They know that I'm not gonna fuck up for a long time, probably not again for as long as I'm supported by them. That's the story. And so as I move away from the fast food and toward the frozen foods aisle (Budget Gourmet is CLUTCH) thanks to my new money situation, I bring a new piece of hype that I never expected to report on.

Pre-prepared food - it's ALL HYPE.

In these last 10 days, I've learned that cooking yourself costs a lot less than buying anything else, which is what I need to survive these last few weeks before school. A pound of ground beef is about $3. 4 burgers are probably around $4-6. Fuck that, I'll cook myself. (The buns are like $1 at most) TV dinners can be really cheap too. Canned food can be cheap. Store brands are extremely cheap (you try finding 3 liters of soda (about 9 cans, over 5 20-ounces) for $1.)

I digress - well not really, but it gets repetitive.

Sure, there are times when you don't have the time to make a meal.. Also, it's pretty damn hard to make a Spicy Chicken Soft Taco unless you carry an army of spices and vegetables. Fast food is clutch when this happens. If you're 5 minutes from your house, though, or you're just at home, or you gotta be somewhere in an hour, cook something your damn self, why don'tcha? It's not that hard. And I'll tell you, going through the drive-thru is nice for that few minutes, and waiting in that line is nice because you smell all that food, but when you finish cooking a meal and you look at what you've done, I think that's a great feeling.

Facebook Users

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Dexter From Reston

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13118101683&ref=ts (link from old Facebook)
http://www.new.facebook.com/group.php?gid=13118101683&ref=ts (link from new Facebook)

Facebook user post coming up.

Anyway, this dude Dexter is the man. Here's how everything led to me needing to make a post.

I joined a Facebook group that I was invited to a bunch of months ago because it wasn't entitled "Please Stop ____" or "I Support _____" and it wasn't an event for "Free Slurpee Day," "Election Day 2008," or my favorites (or least favorites), "13 Days until Christmas," "12 Days until Christmas," "11 Days until Christmas," "10 Days until Christmas," "9 Days until Christmas," "8 Days until Christmas," "7 Days until Christmas," "6 Days until Christmas," "5 Days until Christmas," "4 Days until Christmas," "3 Days until Christmas," "2 Days until Christmas," "1 Day until Christmas," and "Merry Christmas." Whatever. The Ignore button and the Not Attending button are my good friends.

I digress.

I got invited to the group and it didn't make me extremely angry so I joined. I looked around and it was goofy so I left it. I forgot about it. Then one day at work (CVS), a man walks in. A man of larger carriage. A man with a 5:00 of next Tuesday shadow. A man who was talking the second he got in. A man who freestyled to me wile asking for the bug spray. A man named Dexter. I remember his first words. Well, the first silly words. "I want a sugar mama with no drama." I died laughing, so did my coworker, shit was funny, probably just a one time thing. WRONG. I was less wrong when I said that that bump in my danger zone was just an ingrown hair. Tell that to the lady in the free clinic who puked when she saw it. I was WRONG. I saw him again, and again, and again, and sometimes multiple times in the same day. Keep in mind I work from 4pm-10pm most days. So he's around a lot.

I go to work today, and it's about 9:30. I'm ready to go home. Suddenly, I hear "What's good?" and a huge grin goes on my coworker and I's face. He spits some more silliness and I die laughing again. We all did. Then the guy who invited me to the Facebook group (who I worked with a few months before) came in and said, "Hey Dexter, something something..." and I was starstruck. My friend then started telling me about how this man is on YouTube and they're making progress trying to get him onto The Damn Show, which would be craaaaaazy, dawg.

YouTube

"Dexter Claims to Suck His Own Dick!!!!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4srdlWski0

You can find him if you look hard enough.