The Olympics

-- Eat shit, Michael Phelps. --

I'm back in school and this year is going to be bigger and blacker like Chris Rock's comedy extraordinaire, "Chris Rock: Bigger and Blacker." Just moved in (a day earlier than most upperclassmen) and everything went well.

Things I left at home:

-Alarm clock (SHIT)

-Fan

-Silverware

-That spray that makes stank go away

...and I realized that there's a cable jack in my room so I could have brought my TV and watched that instead of being stuck listening to Gucci Mane and blogging. I'll have to find other people that are in town now.

Anyway, if you saw the picture at the top of the screen, you'll recognize that face. No, it's not Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame. No, it's not ET. Hahaha, you silly goose, that's not somebody doing a Fire Marshal Bill impression. That's the douche piece of shit assbag tool shitcake Michael Phelps who takes it in the ass when he's not wearing his Speedos. Some of you may call him an American hero. I like to save that title for people who aren't swimming laps when kids are being molested or pregnant women are in burning buildings.

Let's take a poll of 100 people. We'll ask a few questions about the Olympics and see how people feel.

1) Do you care about the Olympics?

-Yes: 53

-No: 46

-Like I care about Amy Winehouse's dental bills: 1 (that's my vote)

2) Did you watch the Olympics for the hot athletes?

-Yes: 39

-No: 60

-Of course, because I've never heard of PORN BEFORE! FUCK!: 1

3) Is Michael Phelps an American hero?

-Yes: 18

-No: 81

-Michael Phelps? Oh, he was one of the guys that steered that plane into that field on September 11th. Wait, he wasn't? Oh: 1

4) Did you care about swimming between the 2004 Olympics and now?

-Yes: 9

-No: 90

-Why do they have swimming on TV?: 1

5) How long do you think Michael Phelps will be in the news?

-Less than 2 weeks: 37

-2 weeks - 1 month: 29

-More than a month: 27

-Hopefully for another 15 minutes or less: 7 (hey look, more people agree with me here)

6) Will you watch more swimming after the Olympics because of this?

-Yes: 22

-No: 0

-FUCK NO: 78

Now for my color commentary on these questions.

1) Hey, I know the Olympics were a huge deal way back when we were fighting with people left and right. But now we're really not angry at many countries that matter in the Olympics, so there's not really that. So then why try super hard to beat other countries. There aren't really any rivalries. And for the people that let us know that China was trying to get those medals and win the Olympics, fine, let them. Let them think they "won" the Olympics (how the fuck do you win?). Also, I think we got them beat in a few other categories. There aren't people living on top of people. We can walk without having to push the thick black air out of the way. We don't have a billion people in here. We treat (most of) our citizens right. Point is, the Cold War is over.

2) I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. Why don't you have a seat. That's for the gymnastics watchers. You know they're all 8th graders. All of them. Volleyball, fine, whatever. Any other sport, you know she has a huge clit from the HGH and the cream and the clear. Horny now?

3)From wikipedia.org: The hero is traditionally at least two Italian meats and provolone cheese on a small or half loaf of crusty Italian bread with roasted peppers, vinegar, olive oil, and lettuce. It is a pork-based sandwich; popular meat choices include ham, prosciutto, pepperoni, capicola, mortadella and salami. Looks like Michael Phelps isn't really a hero.

4) Those 9 people who voted yes were his teammates. That's the only explanation.

5) He'll be famous until another 1398 non-white kids go missing, a whole bunch of white boys get abducted, and one white girl gets drunk and fucks the wrong guy in Aruba and gets press for a decade.

6) The poll's credibility has to be questioned because apparently there's 22 liars.

So have fun watching the Olympics. All I know is I'm watching the closing ceremony, because then I'll know it's over. I'll have closure.

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"I'm the first third grader wit a felony"

-Gucci Mane, "Two Thangs"