These are things that I would hear approximately 1.94 billion times an hour, and for me, that was about 1.94 billion times too many. People who record the shit that is so bubblegummy that I got it all in my hair and I had to get my hair cut like a lesbian and wear a bonnet until it grew back nice. People who thought they were revolutionizing music...by doing something that had already been done. People who complained about things that most people like - even if they tell other people they don't. People who changed for the worse. Songs that I couldn't get away from. Songs that made 19 1/2 year old girls drunkenly jump on the beer pong table and dance for dollars, which would be fine, but then three of her friends (all three being fat) would jump on and start shrieking the lyrics and think they were the next American Idol. Then the combined weight of 784 pounds (that's 196 pounds per girl!) would collapse the table, beer would go everywhere, and these girls would then proceed to try to get dudes to throw the dick like Skee-Ball at Chuck-E-Cheese. Unfortunately, scoring 200 doesn't get you tickets here: it gets you a one-way ticket to Ughville when you wake up next to her in the morning, hungover as shit.
Anyway, here's the stuff. I spent at least 10 minutes putting these in order Pretty good number I chose (17). I'm a failure at life.
The seventeen things that made me want to put a dull pencil through my ribcage:
17) Young Jeezy, Put On - Like the song, HATE the video. Young Jeezy, you're not allowed to talk about how fucked up people's lives are when you record 100 songs about how much capital wealth you have. Wasn't his next video "Vacation," where he's on the beach, riding jetskis, and buying everybody shots of Grey Goose at the hot spot for the evening. Good for you man, I'm sure you can relate to the economic struggles of everybody. Maybe you could before you blew up, but you can't just sit around and make a video like this when you're bitching about the bartender not having enough Patron.
16) T.I., Live Your Life - I hate Rihanna. I also hate really popular YouTube videos (Chocolate Rain, the Laughing Baby, and this Numa Numa motherfucker). Mix them together and you have something that not even T.I. can make me like. The video was weird, too.
15) Three 6 Mafia, Lolli Lolli(Pop That Body) - My recent reunion with Three 6 Mafia and Project Pat made me think of how much better any song they ever made was than this trash. Song sucks, but it sucks more considering Three 6 Mafia did some bomb ass shit. Also, you're not Larry King when you talk about how Lolli Lolli (Pop That Body) and Lollipop (look for this song later) came out at pretty much the same time OMG!!! FUCK YOU.
14) Beyonce - I hate everything she does. She thinks she's a mix between Cleopatra, Madonna, and every powerful woman ever to live. All six of those powerful women did 100 times what Beyonce did. People love her songs, no doubt. I just think that all her songs sound really similar, so by me hating one song, I hate them all by default. Take care of that cellulite too.
13) Chris Brown - Girls love him, girls don't love me, therefore, I'm jealous. Also, his songs are all R&Bitch music. Whiny, I-love-the-girl-in-my-6th-period-biology-class, mom-come-pick-me-up-from-soccer-practice, I-need-you-to-sign-my-field-trip-permission-slip, pussy ass music.
12) Flo Rida, Low - EVERY GIRL EVER would dance to this song like she was the frontwoman of the Pussycat Dolls. Except they aren't. And if I had to hear 39 girls in one room scream "LOW, LOW, LOW, LOW!!!" OR "APPLE BOTTOM JEANS, BOOTS WITH THE FURRRR" (emphasis on furrrrr), or better yet, slide those phrases into ordinary conversation (mouth puke) one more time, I was going to shove a 32 oz bottle (full) Gatorade down my throat. T-Pain has the midas touch, but a gold diarrhea shit is still a diarrhea shit.
11) M.I.A., Paper Planes - You're not indie because you know the words to this song. As if being indie was even all that cool. The remix is the shit, people thinking they are too FUCKING COOL FOR THEIR FUCKING SUNDRESS, UGGS, AND BUGEYE SUNGLASSES is not. And take that fucking twist off the top of your overbleached hair - it makes you look like you're trying to cover up the stain from the impromptu game of mushy biscuit that dudes played with your dome.
10) Kanye West - Love Lockdown - Boom boom BOOM boom (repeat 3,000 times). Kanye West using Autotune isn't bad - in fact, it's great. It's just the fact that this whiny ass song exists that's bad. Also, I don't like Kanye West as a person at all. Not much to say - simple song, simple review.
9) Mariah Carey - You're crazy, then you had an emancipation of Mimi, which I think is your alterego, and somehow made a comeback. I don't understand what all the hullabaloo was about, but I don't like it. Get back in the kitchen. I didn't say that, it was my alterego.
8) Estelle, American Boy - Being British, or even having any accent that isn't American, is apparently all you need for at least one hit song. I didn't listen to the lyrics, but here's what I got out of that song: You wanna fuck an American dude. Well, I'm gonna tell you a little bit about what we like to do here in the States. We like to take our cocks and shove them so far down British girls' throats that they lose their accents, and also their inhibitions. So I hope you get that American boy - just never be anywhere where I am or you better be down to get dicked long. Sorry.
7) Sara Bareilles, Love Song - You're not gonna write me a love song? Bitch, you better get me that order of chicken sandwiches and waffle fries. Bitch, you just wrote something that sounds enough like a love song for me to want to change the radio station with a baseball bat. Bitch, you aren't famous anymore. Bitch, apparently people aren't writing love songs about your musical career. Bitch. Your name sounds like a box of bad pasta, I think, because your name sucks so much that I don't know how to pronounce it. Bitch.
6) Jordin Sparks, No Air - Nothing to say here. Singing about shit like this is dreadful, American Idol is dreadful, Chris Brown is dreadful (except for Kiss Kiss, but T-Pain made that song), and so how the hell is there any way for this to be anything other than vomit-inducing.
5) Lupe Fiasco, Superstar - You think you're cool. But a fucking skateboarder released a diss track on your ass and kilt you on it. You got murdered in that shit, you pussy. Kick, push, coast? No, more like Dick, puss, choch. That's for what you have buried halfway in your asshole, what you don't like, and what you smell like. (Notice how my anger has increased as I move towards #1.) You think you're doing something special, but being lyrical still happens. And it happened even more about 15 years ago. That would be like me saying that wearing flannel in Seattle was special. It's not, and neither are you. Your mother never loved you.
4) Lil Wayne, Lollipop - I LOVED the song the first time I heard it. Loved it maybe the next 20 times. Liked it the next 50 times. Hated it the next 348,000 times I heard it. Hated it when girls started to "sing" it everywhere they went. All the time. Seriously. Could this song have been played more (the question is not rhetorical)? Answer: FUCK NO. I heard it at least 4 times every day until October. And at no time were you hood when you were blaring this out of your Camry's speakers. Just remember that. If you were a guy with your hat backwards mouthing the words and bobbing your head, there might as well have been a throbbing penis for you to bob all up on. Lick on that like a lollipop, you fucking dick taster.
3) Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl - and you liked it? GREAT. Until I hear "I munched some box and I liked it...I munched some box cuz I'm dykin'," you get no love or money or listening time from me. You look like you could dunk on Shaq, but since you are a woman, you would be stuck towering over Lisa Leslie, missing lay-ups and making $17,000 a season before getting out of the arena and going to work the night shift at a mall kiosk. By kissing a girl, you are no better than any drunk slut out at the club, and by liking it, you're actually worse than those girls.
2) Rihanna - FUCK YOU. Girls love your music, some guys think you're hot, I believe neither. I could have a picnic - no, I could have a block party on your large forehead. Learn English and then come talk to me. Sing a song that makes sense and then come talk to me. Quit annoying me with your voice and then come talk to me. Just make sure I have my earplugs in and noise-canceling headphones on before you start speaking. Bitch. Pretty good concert in the Town Center too. Take forever to get there, sing two songs, and leave. Go take a watery shit on yourself and then sit in your favorite reclining chair.
1) Nas - You are the biggest asshole ever. You think that everything you do is great. You think you can do anything and people will worship you. You think you're the only one that knows how to make good hip-hop. Actually, I know what's up. You think you're a mix between Jesus Christ and Confucius. News flash, douchebag: you're not. You don't even have enough of an imagination to come up with a good album title. You don't have enough of a functioning brain to come up with ANY album title. How about this - Nas, "8 Inches of Meat In My Mouth." Yeah, you like that, don't you? Go die. Just die. However you want to die, just do it. Kill yourself, let me do it, whatever you like.
NOTE: I'm going to piss a lot of people off with this one.
Feel free to comment and add your own least favorite music-related things.
*Honorable mention goes to Fergie. You don't deserve to breathe my air.
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3 comments:
Wonderful.
That actually is what British girls want, at least when I was there.
I was so happy when I read this I cried.
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