Try to find this on eBay...

WARNING: This is going to be a very graphic post. Go here if you'd like to see the story, but if you wanna hear the Neighborhood Bully's take on this, keep reading. You've been warned.

ALERT: It is 8 degrees. Not 80, not 18...8...E-I-G-H-T. SHIT.

Her body and face are the color of the before and after teeth in a tooth whitening strip commercial, respectively.

Be warned, I didn't read the article very well, and I only saw what I wanted to read, so there's a LOT of bias.

Anyway, Natalie Dylan (that bitch) is 22 years old and has a degree in women's studies. Pretty useful. In this bust it economy, it's good to know that people will sacrifice getting a good job to take four years of reading books by feminists with a bunch of lesbians whose ideas of partying include munching carpet, eating box, and roast beef, with a ham sandwich on the side, and maybe some juices the same color as a Shirley Temple, but a little thicker and with chunks in them.

This bitch wants to go to grad school. I don't know why, or for what, but she needs cash. She wants to also buy a house and help out her family, be financially stable (because buying 2 houses and going to school and paying off debts and bills would leave you with plenty of extra money), and so on. Good for you, get your money, get that paper. However, I still think you're a very dirty whore, even though you've never fucked...vaginally. That's right, she fucked in the ass (probably more than once) and probably throws her mouth onto dicks like a fly onto a Ethiopian child's face. No vag though. You will never get respect from me.

She's fixin to get $3.7 million. That's more than I will ever see in my life. EVER. I would like to write down a sentence few sentences a bunch of sentences that describe what you'll be getting if you win a fuckfest with this girl.

These are the worst words I've ever said coming up.

• You are spending the cost of 3.52 million McDoubles at McDonalds to have awkward sober sex with a girl that has never done that before and surely doesn't know what to do.
• You can be sure that her hymen will bust, and she'll try to keep from laughing when you pull your 3-4 inch penis out of her extremely tight vagina that you may or may not have torn. You won't be happy about that.
• Your dick will be covered with a broken condom and a lot of blood, and so will your clothes that you accidentally left on the bed.
• She won't suck your dick before sex, because she's not a whore,
• She definitely won't suck your dick afterward because she doesn't like the taste of copper and fungus, which will be wafting into her nose from your dick after coitus.
• She won't kiss you because she doesn't love you. Come on.
• You'll be forced to leave immediately after she's done, which will be under 5 minutes.
• She'll wait until the cherry is popped and say that it's over.
• She didn't orgasm, but you did - four minutes ago.
• And you jammed it in so hard, so you broke the condom and impregnated her.
• But you don't care, because you can say that you did the prepaid, lump-sum child support and force her to use it all on the child.
• Sucks for her.
• And oh yeah, it turns out that that one prostitute you paid $25 for a blowjob had a cold sore. You know the rest. Pretend like the herpes is a football and Natalie Dylan is Larry Fitzgerald. Caught in the endzone (pun intended) .... You know, endzone, asshole, maybe he can slip it in there. Just the tip.

But it's all good because she got a lot of money and only had to give her redwood forest-covered vagina up. And her dignity, she'll give that up too. Oh wait, she already did.

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BONUS: My NFL picks that have not been thought through at all:

• Steelers over Ravens, 24-17 - Joe Flacco is not that good, and nothing I ever want to happen happens, so I'll pick the team I hate more. Ed Reed will make me swoon twice.


• Cardinals over Eagles, 26-17 - This is a tossup for me, so I picked the team I don't want to win. Donovan McNabb will pull a can of Chunky Soup out of his pants and eat it in the endzone.