Juelz Applewhite

Everybody that isn't young as shit know this dude. Maybe you don't remember him, or maybe you were out of the country for months on end in 1997, or maybe you were young as shit. Maybe you were in the cult when the Hale-Bopp Comet showed up, and then you took your journey and made your way around the universe and then showed back up in a new form. This guy is was the leader of the Heaven's Gate Cult, Marshall Applewhite.

There's no reason to go into detail, just go to Wikipedia and look for "Heaven's Gate." Read about it if you don't know.

Juelz Santana.

What the hell does that have to do with anything. Here's what. Feast your eyes on THIS.

This picture was taken from the Pop Champagne video by Jim Jones, Ron Browz, and Juelz Santana. I've seen the video maybe a dozen times, and I never really thought about this until just now, which is why I'm blogging on a Friday night. Anyway, you tell me just how much or how little alike they look.

Try to find this on eBay...

WARNING: This is going to be a very graphic post. Go here if you'd like to see the story, but if you wanna hear the Neighborhood Bully's take on this, keep reading. You've been warned.

ALERT: It is 8 degrees. Not 80, not 18...8...E-I-G-H-T. SHIT.

Her body and face are the color of the before and after teeth in a tooth whitening strip commercial, respectively.

Be warned, I didn't read the article very well, and I only saw what I wanted to read, so there's a LOT of bias.

Anyway, Natalie Dylan (that bitch) is 22 years old and has a degree in women's studies. Pretty useful. In this bust it economy, it's good to know that people will sacrifice getting a good job to take four years of reading books by feminists with a bunch of lesbians whose ideas of partying include munching carpet, eating box, and roast beef, with a ham sandwich on the side, and maybe some juices the same color as a Shirley Temple, but a little thicker and with chunks in them.

This bitch wants to go to grad school. I don't know why, or for what, but she needs cash. She wants to also buy a house and help out her family, be financially stable (because buying 2 houses and going to school and paying off debts and bills would leave you with plenty of extra money), and so on. Good for you, get your money, get that paper. However, I still think you're a very dirty whore, even though you've never fucked...vaginally. That's right, she fucked in the ass (probably more than once) and probably throws her mouth onto dicks like a fly onto a Ethiopian child's face. No vag though. You will never get respect from me.

She's fixin to get $3.7 million. That's more than I will ever see in my life. EVER. I would like to write down a sentence few sentences a bunch of sentences that describe what you'll be getting if you win a fuckfest with this girl.

These are the worst words I've ever said coming up.

• You are spending the cost of 3.52 million McDoubles at McDonalds to have awkward sober sex with a girl that has never done that before and surely doesn't know what to do.
• You can be sure that her hymen will bust, and she'll try to keep from laughing when you pull your 3-4 inch penis out of her extremely tight vagina that you may or may not have torn. You won't be happy about that.
• Your dick will be covered with a broken condom and a lot of blood, and so will your clothes that you accidentally left on the bed.
• She won't suck your dick before sex, because she's not a whore,
• She definitely won't suck your dick afterward because she doesn't like the taste of copper and fungus, which will be wafting into her nose from your dick after coitus.
• She won't kiss you because she doesn't love you. Come on.
• You'll be forced to leave immediately after she's done, which will be under 5 minutes.
• She'll wait until the cherry is popped and say that it's over.
• She didn't orgasm, but you did - four minutes ago.
• And you jammed it in so hard, so you broke the condom and impregnated her.
• But you don't care, because you can say that you did the prepaid, lump-sum child support and force her to use it all on the child.
• Sucks for her.
• And oh yeah, it turns out that that one prostitute you paid $25 for a blowjob had a cold sore. You know the rest. Pretend like the herpes is a football and Natalie Dylan is Larry Fitzgerald. Caught in the endzone (pun intended) .... You know, endzone, asshole, maybe he can slip it in there. Just the tip.

But it's all good because she got a lot of money and only had to give her redwood forest-covered vagina up. And her dignity, she'll give that up too. Oh wait, she already did.

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BONUS: My NFL picks that have not been thought through at all:

• Steelers over Ravens, 24-17 - Joe Flacco is not that good, and nothing I ever want to happen happens, so I'll pick the team I hate more. Ed Reed will make me swoon twice.


• Cardinals over Eagles, 26-17 - This is a tossup for me, so I picked the team I don't want to win. Donovan McNabb will pull a can of Chunky Soup out of his pants and eat it in the endzone.

An Hero

The greatest thing since sliced bread, which I'm pretty sure he invented.

Here's a quiz for you. You're in an airplane when a militant goose decides to sacrifice himself in the name of Allah and throw himself at your engine with the aim of murdering everyone inside. Do you:

A) Drink every ounce of alcohol on the plane and begin to commit misogynistic acts.
B) Listen to MC ThugznJugz's hit single "Dunkin Deeeznuts" to remind yourself it could be worse.
C) QQ
D) Land the plane on the water because landing it on an airstrip is too easy.

The answer is, of course, B.

This pilot's name is Chesley Sullenberger. That name would be terrible if it didn't belong to this titan of a man. He is a combination of Jesus, Han Solo, Bruce Lee, Charles Lindberg, and Michelle Obama. His dick Super Size, your dick two fries. Not only did he land a 747 in the Hudson River (which is the impossible choice D), nobody died and he got off the plane about half an hour after everyone else because he wanted to see the end of the in-flight movie ("Friday After Next", starring Ice Cube). He also landed in freezing cold water, which I assume was to spite the passengers for praying to their respective gods instead of praying to him while he was saving their asses.

Chesley will be featured in the upcoming video game Gears of War 7. He will be playing the role of planet Earth.

Got that McRib Love

I am happy to announce that, after multiple international farewell tours, the McRib has once again returned to McDonalds menus across America.  Unfortunately, the gloriously saucy meat patty isn't available everywhere yet.  In fact, I'm starting to get the feeling that McDonalds is purposefully shorting the supply on the sandwich so they can turn it into the Bigfoot of fast food and charge McRib-starved customers out the ass when they manage to hunt one down.

 

Even if it is some corporate scheme to translate viral marketing to the fast food menu, I'll be hunting down a few McRibs to shove down my own throat this weekend.  That's why I'm bringing you the best site on the internet right now.  That's right, this URL is on it's grustle and it goes hard.  It's about to blow up bigger than Google.  Not only does this site tell you where to find the McRib closest to you, it actually tells you how recently the hunks of deliciously processed meat were seen.  So, be sure to grab your own McSasquatch before it goes out of stock again.

[get your own McRib: http://kleincast.com/maps/mcrib.php]

Spread the word like butter

Now it's easier than EVER to let the world know what we think (we need a nickname for the six bloggers, Jena 6 was in bad taste so I'm still taking suggestions). There's hella buttons below each post (or at least there should be) and so if you see a post you or somebody you know would like, use one of those buttons to spread the hypebashing that we do over the World Wide Web. More Haterade to come from all of us in the very new future.

For now, enjoy this - if you can keep yourself from watching it three times, you're a better person than I.



Extra video: Gucci Mane swings at Mac Bree-Z (a girl). Pay attention starting at about 1:53 into the video.

Gucci Blondana

What haaaaaapenin' baaaaaaby?

The WORST word of 2009

(from left to right: stereotypical blonde bitch, stereotypical blonde bitch, out of place bitch that nobody cares about, and another blonde bitch)

Before I start, you should probably know that I hate girls that think their shit smells like the area around the Cinnabon stand in your local mall. You'll probably learn everything else you need to know as you read through this post.

Let's move on.

So it's like 7:45 and, shockingly, I have nothing to watch on TV. I'm flipping through the channels and I see that Rock of Love Bus is on, so I decide to watch the episode that I've seen already more than once. The episode goes along, nothing special, same shit, fightin', drinkin', and altogether cuntin' it up like they always do about this time. So they're at elimination and there's a lot of girls from the pink bus (there's that and the blue bus; most of the blonde trash is on the pink bus) and this one dirty slut Gia's confessional thing comes on and she says something that made me cringe. I'll try to quote it as best I can.

"...and I see all my girls from the pink bus go on to the next round and I say 'No, you can't send my girls home, you can't break up the Blondetourage.'..."

As soon as that last word came out of her mouth, I did this:

and then I did that again, and again, and again.

Blondetourage? Seriously?!? As clever as it is (and I will admit, it's very clever), it's still the worst thing ever, because it just means that any girl that decides to bleach her hair can automatically join, and as soon as her roots spring right back out of her scalp, she's out again. That's garbage. But there's no way the girl who had another girl take a shot out of her vagina (yes, that REALLY happened) could think that up. So I go to the trusty Google and search for "blondetourage." First result was: Blondetourage.com - Celebrate the Blonde in All of Us!

I went. The last time I went to a website and regretted it this much, (WARNING: SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE EASILY UPSET) I opened a video of a man with both hands fully in a girl's asshole with tons of anal lube. The man was moving his hands around in a motion that people do when washing their hands or trying to warm their hands up in front of the fireplace, or a steel trash can with fire coming out of it. Also, he might have been clapping while inside. Make sure you turn the sound on too. It's like birds chirping during a dawn in late April.

Go ahead and check out Blondetourage.com if you want, and even search for "Texas Hand Washer (the grosser one), I'm not even going to tell you what's there. There's more ads and videos and Flash and images and shit than a Russian porn site on Blondetourage, so don't be surprised if you do decide to visit it.

I looked through the website again, and I want to puke, because they have Blondegerie. Yeah. Refer to the second picture. That's it - I'm pissed off now.

ShamWOW / Slap Chop

You know that Germans always make good stuff!

Vince is the guy weak douchebag right up there that would tell somebody he'd kick their fuckin' ass in a club, but then he would take off his Mets jacket and be the 5'10", 148 pound piece of shit that he is, with his pussy ass 1998 spiky hair and his Jim Carrey from either The Mask or Ace Ventura mixed with a velociraptor lookin' face. I'm going to call your fauxhawk a fo'hawk, because your little hairdo is fo' assholes. Get the hell out of here with that bullshit.

And then his demeanor. His demeanor should be a misdemeanor. Damn, I am on my A-game tonight. I am just slaying tonight. I'll be here all week. Anyway, he got an accent like if Arthur Fonzarelli and the dude whose daughter was having a wedding in The Godfather had a child together out of wedlock, and then abandoned it in the asshole of New Jersey (that's like saying an armpit could have an asshole), only to be raised by the worst of the worst New Jerseyians, who teach him their ways of speaking, which obviously are flat out wrong.

Other than that, I love this man. He cares about the ShamWOW like Rosie O'Donnell cares about munching carpet. A LOT. He's just a misguided dude with some terrible accent, but his energy makes up for it and then some. Vince could start demonstrating how to use a new machine that chews food for you, and he could probably do such a good job of showing me how easy it is that I would pay $39.99 + S&H.

Just watch as he powers through this commercial. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work and all I got was a piece of history and the joy of watching this man do his stuff. Best case scenario, the ShamWOWs get sent with an autographed picture of him crankin' dat Roy (the second video). By the way, how does that look for a touchdown dance, because I think it's pretty damn tight.

If you have a ShamWOW, send a picture of you using it to mcmadden94@gmail.com, and I may do terrible, terrible things to myself while I'm looking at it.

ShamWOW Infocommercial:

Crank Dat Roy (hot shit):

P.S. I just realized - nothing bad has ever happened in Germany. I might have to live there. Prove me wrong.
And Slap Chop is here: more of the same old Vince. Might be worth a watch, might not be.

This bitch needs to get off of my TV. Seriously get a new fucking expression.


I'll tolerate this continuing because I'd definitely fuck her. For 3 reasons:

1) She's on TV
2) She clearing has the Jungle Fever as exhibited by her drooling over some old black dude that no one's ever heard of in a halloween costume
3) She's white



Seriously, this commercial makes me too angry for words.

Bout ta get her azz beat

This blog has more shit going on in it than Paris Hilton's vagina at a teenager's rainbow party fueled by cheap vodka and ecstasy. But for this one post at least, we're going to get to the original point, which was opening the curtains that hype creates, and showing what I think is really going on, which just ends up really being the truth.

This bitch here.

She goes by the name of Megan on all 1048 reality shows that she's been a part of. They all end up, of course, with her looking like an attention-starved whore who's poised for success doomed for a life of uselessness. It's ok though, because somehow, someday, some one dude will learn to love her fuck her dry and never speak to or listen to her outside of the bedroom. I just learned how to strikethrough words for comedic (or maybe comic, or comical??? Help me here...) effect. Soon she'll get even more ugly than she is now (look at that face) and so the dude will get the fuck out while he still can, hopefully without letting this useless trash whore get any of that sweet sweet money.

Maybe her trollop ways are fake. Or maybe not at all.

All she did in her latest load of shit, Rock of Love Girls: Charm School with Sharon Osbourne, was manipulate obviously fragile girls to do things that she wanted. Being able to manipulate is one thing; being able to manipulate girls that you think might have been touched as children is like convincing Lisa Lampanelli to fuck Lexington Steele. It's really not that hard. Anyway, she made it kind of far, and then Sharon said (verbatim), "Fuck this bitch, I'm getting way hella tired of her shit, she needs to git ta steppin'." I was thrilled. Then she comes back on the final episode and tries to fuck up Brandi M's shit. Didn't work, you bitch. So then she comes on the reunion show either drunk or stupid. Well, stupider. She runs her mouth and Sharon gets tired of this unattractive cum dumpster and Sharon throws down.

Here's how she acts before my girl Sharon Osbourne shows her what happens when you fuck with somebody who isn't on a reality show (at that moment) trying to pretend like they're not a huge pornobitch. I give this video a 10 out of 10, and also my vote for Best Picture.



The aftermath is here and here.

How do YOU feel about this tramp? Feel free to comment on either side of the situation.

My History Teacher Touched Me!!!

Me and my ho were walking around the mall a few days ago. The bitch wanted me to buy her one of those new Mac's because her Dell was more than two years old and running out of space. I asked her why I couldn't just buy her another PC and she gave me some bullshit schtick[sic [sic]] about how Windows Vista breaks down and can't do artistic things. Why an asian biology major who can't perform a decent blowjob cares about "artistic things" is beyond me. I then suggested I get her a computer with Windows XP and more capacity. She then cried and told me Zhingyi Zhang's boyfriend got her a new mac and iphone and made a big scene in the mall. People started laughing. I got pissed. I handed her a 24 pack box of condoms and told her to start working 495 if she wanted that artistic mac so badly. Toll booth operators need sex too.

After that the ho slapped me and left. It kind of turned me on. It also made me hungry. I went to the food court and ordered some Fish and Chips from a Surf and Turf grill. As I was deciding what drink to get, I overheard two girls in line talking about how they hated their history teacher. They started going on about ways to get him fired. One girl then said how her father was a lawyer and maybe they could sue this poor douche bag. The other girl then said instead that they could report to the cops that he touched them when explaining the Florida Peninsula (ba dum dum... It's shaped like a penis for all of you who substitute your actual high school classes by listening to Nas and Young Jeezy). They decided to do it. I missed out on the last few bits of the conversation though since I decided to go with Fanta.

It got me wondering. What's to say we can't just go up to a high school teacher and say he touched me? Thanks to this new liberal belief of pointing fingers, many youngsters no longer have any pride. I mean what kind of self-respecting 13 year old would volunteer to act as a gay boy hungry for older dick on AIM just to win Chris Hansen's approval (why does the kid have to even be a real 13 year old and not an actual cop)? I'm pretty sure his father is really supportive of how his son's part-time job is helping to put his old ass through night school. I just think we all need to buckle down and stop with the fagatronics. I'm not sure where I'm going with this since I'm too pissed at my bitch right now. I also desperately need head. Any takers? It's what Young Jeezy would tell you to do.



"Plus I done it with your [Chinese] wife, she said I made her night, but I didn't hit her back cuz her mouth wasn't right"